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Dr Andrew Huberman’s podcast arrived at an almost perfect time. The first wave of pandemic caused so much uncertainty and was the ideal moment for science-based health protocols. Huberman offered exactly this. Practical ideas delivered by a trusted scientist from Stanford University.

I found out about the podcast from one of my clients at the time and I started enjoying it quite quickly. Huberman Lab has become my go-to podcast for an interesting listen when travelling.

I’m aware some listeners dislike the repetitive and sometimes chaotic way he presents information, but I’ve grown fond of it. I quite enjoy information being repeated as I often listen to it in quite distracting scenarios (e.g. at an airport).

Huberman is regularly accused of promoting pseudoscience. With his new book Protocols just around the corner (due out on 15 September 2026), it’s probably important to question his credibility. Is his podcast a source of reliable information or perhaps there is some truth to the claim that he is a pseudoscientist? Let’s tackle this step by step.

Why is Huberman so popular?

The Huberman Lab episodes have no special effects, fireworks, or clickbait - yet they draw a lot of attention. Currently there are over 200 episodes available, with new episodes appearing at least weekly.

What I have always found particularly impressive is the depth of each episode despite appearing to be delivered with no visible script and minimal edits or cuts. Each week can cover a completely different topic, as if Huberman is a superhuman capable of holding all the world’s knowledge!

I think that’s part of why people are drawn to him. He talks about optimising physical and psychological performance and is a perfect example of someone whose life seems perfectly optimised. A successful career as a professor at Stanford doesn’t stop him from achieving laser focus to produce his weekly podcast or from maintaining a physique that would allow him to play the role of King Leonidas in 300.

Why is he being accused of promoting pseudoscience?

There are a number of questionable claims coming from his podcasts. These include some problematic sponsorships, but also very prescriptive protocols and advice without the necessary scientific grounds.

Problematic sponsors

The Huberman website suggests that they promote only products their team “personally use and love”. But some of these sponsorships are questionable.

He promotes what I see as excessive reliance on supplements such as powdered greens or flavoured electrolyte powders. He also promotes BetterHelp as a mental health provider, despite documented privacy issues and legal scandals (long story!).

This raises my first question. Why is a scientist ready to endorse questionable products and services?

I guess the world of advertising is a bit different in America; maybe it’s important to simply look at any promoted products with a pinch of salt. If this is the price we pay for keeping the podcast free, then should we let it be?

Questionable claims

There are a few popular controversial claims that have raised eyebrows. Some have been questioned and challenged by listeners and experts.

One example is the claim about adenosine and the importance of delaying caffeine intake by 90-120 minutes, leading to a heated debate online. The specific timing rule is not well supported by direct evidence, despite being based on a reasonable scientific hypothesis. This is of course very context-dependent.

Other examples might include presenting scientific information in an overly optimistic or biased way. For example, Huberman’s claims about a 250% increase in blood dopamine after cold exposure are based on a study involving one hour in 14°C water (Srámek et al., 2000). This is obviously not realistic for most people’s circumstances, but to be fair, he does acknowledge the nuances of the recommendation.

I personally experienced benefits of cold water, so I’m naturally drawn to any science confirming my ideas and perhaps Huberman may be vulnerable to a similar bias. The quoted dopamine increase in blood does not mean an equivalent increase in the brain, and the suggested benefits of brief cold showers can’t be directly explained by this study.

There is also his discussion of whether putting ice on the testicles could increase testosterone, despite acknowledging that there were no studies supporting this claim. Keeping the testicles cool may make more sense in the context of heat exposure (e.g. sauna) and sperm production/fertility, but that is a different claim. Please be careful out there - applying ice directly to the testicles could cause damage if done incorrectly.

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How much of his work is pseudoscience?

To be fair, I had to be quite picky with the above examples. In context, they don’t sound that bad. There seems to be a genuine effort to be scientific, but he potentially goes too far with some recommendations.

It’s hard to find evidence that much of Huberman’s work is pseudoscientific. In fact, it’s mainly the opposite. He puts deliberate effort into supporting most of his claims with research, and does his best to provide some information about each study so that people can understand the context.

Yes, he is guilty of being too excited about some findings and can go too far with some claims. Maybe that’s what makes him likeable? I personally think a lot of it is not just down to Huberman’s excitement, but the state of science in general.

The problem with science

I quite like the idea of being science-driven or evidence-based. It gives the world a sense of direction and prevents various professionals from just doing what they want. But what falls under the definition of a scientific claim versus an inferred claim is much harder to establish.

The world is currently producing more scientific papers than ever before. Many are fantastic contributions to our understanding of how humans work, but others are low quality, biased, and often produce findings that later fail to replicate. If a scientific study concludes that consuming wine can be healthy, should you automatically treat your wine rack as a health intervention?

I’ve been involved in scientific projects and published research in the past. I think there is a real issue with how science is interpreted. But the problem is that there is no other way than to rely on interpretation.

If we decide that making inferences from studies to real life is wrong, then we would never make any changes to anything. Many studies are conducted under conditions that are far from “real life”. Therefore, some level of inference or assumption must be made, but how far can we go with it? At what point are we going too far?

Establishing the difference between robust scientific claims, science-informed claims, and pseudoscientific claims is not always that simple.

We tend to look at science in quite an all-or-nothing way. But I think if we were to draw a continuum of quality of research out there, I think most of it would land somewhere in the middle. Research that is robust and unbiased in every respect is hard to produce, partly because it’s quite hard to do and can cost a lot of money.

The above graph is totally made up to make the point. I haven’t based it on any research, so I’m definitely running the risk of being unscientific here, but I hope it’s for a good cause.

A lot of health and psychology research reports effects at group level. But we are all different. What works for an average person may not work for you in the context of your situation, health, and goals.

How should science be presented?

The above issue comes with the challenge of how to present science. Should we add question marks to every claim, with constant disclaimers, and avoid making any inferences?

I think most of the time Huberman is doing quite well at separating scientific research from various internet claims and anecdotal evidence. Showing the full picture is important. Unfortunately, covering so many topics to such depth runs the obvious risk that some of the claims made may not be true.

Sometimes, this can happen because the underlying research was problematic, and sometimes because the inference or assumption made from the study to real life was too optimistic.

As a psychotherapist I always try to be careful with any claims, but it’s incredibly hard, purely because as humans we tend to get excited about things that interest us. Most of us don’t walk around with PubMed bibliography in our pockets (or do we now?). When I present or publish publicly, I make the necessary checks. But when I talk to my friends, I say whatever comes to my mind. Which takes me to the last conclusion.

Not everything a scientist says has to be scientific

I think it’s important to allow scientists and health professionals to be human. Being enthusiastic, getting excited, and making assumptions are all part of being a likeable person. Even if the best effort is made, mistakes will happen. The more content someone produces, the higher the chance they’ll say something wrong.

Every scientist has their opinion. Every person has preferences and biases. They can put effort into presenting any work with a science-informed cap on, but ultimately sometimes they will go too far with an inference about a scientific paper.

Not everything that comes out of a scientist’s mouth has to be scientific. If someone produces a 2-3-hour podcast, it’s very likely the conversation will drift between science, anecdotal evidence, and some personal ideas that are not scientific.

That sounds okay to me.

Summary

I think Huberman is a great role model for many. He has extensive scientific knowledge, is capable of incredible productivity, and has a contagious enthusiasm for science. Many people could learn a lot from his podcasts, but it’s probably important to approach them with a few rules.

• Be careful of any recommendations to take supplements, especially if they’re part of a sponsorship.

• Any bigger life changes involving medication, supplementation or other interventions should be discussed with a health professional.

• Things are often much more complicated than they seem.

• Approach every new podcast episode with curiosity. Don’t take each claim as the truth. Do your own research.

The above rules probably apply to any scientific research making the rounds on the internet. Science is still very problematic, with well-known replication problems in some fields. Some claims are challenged or debunked years later.

I am happy to conclude that Dr Andrew Huberman is a scientist and far from being a pseudoscientist. He is of course not perfect, makes mistakes, and has a tendency to get too excited about some findings. If you enjoy his personality, you can probably benefit from the contagious nature of his enthusiasm.

Experimenting with your routine, nutrition and lifestyle can be an enjoyable quest, but don’t make the mistake of following every claim. Protocol-driven life can be very stressful and potentially get in the way of the health outcomes you are hoping for.

But whether protocol-driven life is a good idea is probably a topic for another article.

Thank you for spending a few minutes here.
I’m glad you’re here :)
I must admit, I had a little help writing this article…

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When studying for my master’s degree I got a job at a local supermarket which happened to be right next door to Manchester City’s football stadium.

A colleague was giving me a tour of the store, both of us in green uniforms. As we approached the biscuits aisle, we noticed a lad who seemed to be very efficient at his job. What a pace! I was impressed. But my colleague warned me:

“Don’t talk to this guy, he’s an idiot.”

“How come?” I asked.

“He supports Manchester City,” he grumbled.

I stayed silent for a bit trying to process the situation. Was he really ready to write someone off purely because of the football club preference?

Putting people in boxes like this feels a little extreme, yet it’s very common. One “wrong” characteristic, political view, religion, grooming style, accent, background, job, idea or opinion and you very quickly get cancelled in someone’s head.

In this article, I’ll try to make sense of why we box people, what’s helpful about it, when it becomes problematic, and what to do instead.

Putting people in boxes

As my colleague was telling me about his anger towards the biscuit aisle guy, I couldn’t help but question him: “Has he done something to upset you? He seems like a nice guy?”

This is where I went wrong! Hearing me defend the Manchester City fan activated his inner detective Columbo:

“So, who do you support then?” he asked, looking right into my eyes.

The words I used to answer his question were the same words that could probably get me killed in some parts of Poland, but were the safest option here:

“Legia Warsaw,” I said. (If you’re a Polish hooligan please forgive me, I don’t really support any football clubs!)

“Good lad,” he responded.

And as if nothing happened, we carried on with the tour.

This situation is an example of what I call social filtering. In this instance, my colleague’s filter was: If the person supports Manchester City, I should never accept them into my circle.

We engage in social filtering all the time. We also see other people do it too. It’s become normalised and many such filters sound reasonable:

• He drinks heavily - I don’t want to date an alcoholic.

• She is rude - I don’t want to work for her.

• He is selfish - I shouldn’t be friends with him.

Others can be questionable.

• I hate him - he supports XYZ political party.

• I avoid her when I can - her dad is a racist.

• She’s not my cup of tea - she wears branded clothes.

• He’s on benefits - he must be lazy.

Why do we apply social filters?

The goal behind social filtering seems obvious. It helps us identify who we can trust and who we can get closer to. This is relevant to professional life, friendships, family, dating, and any type of social interaction.

It also makes sense from a survival point of view. For our ancestors, being able to identify potential threats could be a matter of life and death. We still use filters today to identify people who may pose some sort of threat to us. Not just a physical threat, but any sort of threat e.g. emotional, financial, social, etc.

If you’ve had 17 bad experiences with a certain type of person, behaviour or situation, it makes sense that your mind may start labelling it as a “threat”. Filtering out people connected to it can, in theory, help prevent the bad scenario from happening again. This process can work extremely well to the point that multiple positive aspects get crossed out purely because of one negative.

If you’re dating a lovely person but discover a few weeks later that they have cheated on all their previous partners, your perception suddenly changes. If you have a filter of ‘I don’t date cheaters’, you will probably end the relationship regardless of the amazing memories you created before.

When social filtering goes too far

Social filtering is very important, but what if there is a limit to how helpful it is? What if at some point, it starts contributing to the same problems we are trying to prevent?

The same person you crossed out in your head because they support a political party you strongly disagree with could potentially have all the other characteristics you are seeking in a friendship. You never give them a chance.

A person who has experienced physical abuse may automatically try to avoid future partners who are violent too. This is helpful, unless the filter becomes so broad that it extends well beyond aggressive behaviour. Yes, it helps to avoid abusive people. But it could also accidentally filter out those who are not violent, but have a posture, tone of voice, body language, habit or other characteristic that has become associated with danger.

Both examples above and the one from the supermarket show a similar problem. If you box people too harshly, you may miss out because you never find out what could have been.

When social filtering goes too far, it often starts contributing to the same problem it was trying to prevent in the first place.

You wanted to guarantee your future happiness by securing a dream partner and a circle of trusted friends. But if you filter people out, look down at them and reject every candidate for a future partner, you may end up with a lonely single life and a very small circle of friends. Your attempt to create a happy life gets in the way of a happy life.

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Filtering vs judging

We already established that social filtering can be useful when it helps us achieve our social goals. But sometimes it goes too far. I think this happens because the gentle nudge to be careful turns into “full-fat” bias or judgement.

Something that was meant to help and protect us can turn us judgemental, elitist and overly selective. Looking down at other people this way can feel somewhat good. It feels productive and often makes us feel better about ourselves, at least in the moment.

• She wears branded clothes. She must be snobby.
  → I don’t, so I am modest.

• He supports X club. He must be an idiot.
  → I support Y club, so I am better than him.

• She voted for X party. She must be uneducated.
  → I voted for Y party, so I am sophisticated.

Is there more to a person?

There is much more to a person than the football club or political party they support. I think having a wider perception of each person in front of us is important. Yes, the characteristic you dislike occupies the front of your mind, but is there much more to that person?

We often believe that one belief is superior to the other. And in many cases we may be right. If you believe the Earth is round, the evidence is on your side. But is it your job to correct flat-Earthers? Is it your job to look down on them? Or would it be helpful to develop some curiosity and recognise that believing in conspiracy theories may be associated with a much wider pattern of the person’s history and circumstances. I’m not suggesting you should agree with them. A friendly conversation where ideas are exchanged is already a good start.

This was quite a silly example, but it applies in many other areas.

What makes a person who makes one political choice better than a person who makes another? What makes someone from one social group, class, language, religion, race or sexual orientation better than someone from another? What makes someone’s clothes, hobby, football club, profession or opinion a measure of their value?

Many of these things are very subjective. Some beliefs can, of course, be right or wrong. But one characteristic rarely tells you everything about the person.

Expanding horizons

As a therapist I work with people from many different backgrounds, cultures, classes, values, and personalities. One skill I find very valuable is the ability to accept that people are different and each person has a right to their views and opinions. I was always naturally curious about people, so this helped, but every time a new client enters the room, I try to be as open-minded as possible.

When therapy drifts into an “I am the expert” style unintentionally, this can give the message that the therapist’s opinion is worth more than the client’s. Giving advice can work in some circumstances. But when the advice is influenced by the therapist’s perception of the world, things can go astray very quickly. This is because every human is unique and their various characteristics and preferences are a result of a complex interaction of different goals, preferences, memories, visions and perceptions. The whole thing is very hard to capture!

Think about your own views or preferences. Where do they come from? Were they always the same? How did they change?

If it’s hard to picture your own internal system, then why are you ready to make a judgement of someone else’s value purely based on one piece of information about them.

Talking to people with different views

Speaking to someone who has the exact same views as you can feel quite comforting. But isn’t that a little boring too? You are stuck in the same circle and your views are never challenged.

I think that some of the most exciting conversations are with people who have different views to ours. Having that kind of conversation requires certain skills, but it can be quite exciting. Instead of taking their opposite views as an insult or attack you start developing skills such as active listening, curiosity, and most importantly, being able to see the person beyond that one characteristic.

Such skills can be very valuable, and each new conversation can become an opportunity for self-development.

It’s also worth noting that if a person’s unusual views or way of being pushes your buttons, it’s very likely it’s also pushing many other people’s buttons. Is there a chance that person rarely gets the opportunity to speak about their views? You may be the first person in many weeks who has shown this person genuine curiosity and given them space to talk about their beliefs without immediately writing them off.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting you should tolerate someone being rude, racist or homophobic and welcome it with a smile. It’s totally fine to filter out people who are bad for you. Sometimes this may mean agreeing to disagree. Sometimes, you may set a boundary so firm that there is no space for debate. But at other times you can learn something new from each other.

Final words

If someone’s views are totally different to yours, it is not always your life’s mission to do something about it. You can simply cross them out in your head, and that’s okay. You can also give them a chance. Being curious about another person’s world can create an opportunity.

There is no right or wrong here. But it’s worth reflecting whether your own standards make you miss out on too many social opportunities and get in the way of your important life goals.

Sometimes, the person you’re about to write off may be worth getting to know.

Thank you for spending a few minutes here. I’m glad you’re here :)
I’m back in the UK now, but here’s a selfie from my holiday!

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I recently found myself in a tricky situation when travelling. Despite having a decent lunch earlier in the day, by 6pm I was quite hungry. Originally, I wasn’t planning to eat out but unexpected delays left me no other option (I can hear you playing a violin for me).

What’s even trickier is that the list of available restaurants looked like this:

Then after a serious analysis, I managed to make the list much longer. It looked as follows:

I hesitated. What’s best for my body? I could order a Big Mac and hope for the best or take advantage of the apparent benefits of fasting.

Is McDonald’s still food (or not)?

Despite its popularity, people often complain about the quality of food at McDonald’s. Typical complaints sound like this: “It’s not real food”, “It’s full of chemicals” or “you’re eating plastic mate”.

But McDonald’s is still food.

Yes, you’re not getting the fibre, plants and micronutrients you would expect from a well-balanced meal, but you’re still getting calories with carbohydrates, protein and fats.

For example, a Big Mac offers 509 kcal, 41 g of carbohydrates, 27 g of protein, 25 g of fat, 3.4 g of fibre and 2.0 g of salt

As much as it might be heavily processed, it still contains beef and cheese, so describing it as “empty calories” or “no nutrition” isn’t really accurate. Its nutritional content is far from perfect, but it’s still doing something for your body.

You’re still “benefiting” from the macronutrients. Benefiting may be a little too optimistic a word to use though, but yes, McDonald’s is still food.

Can McDonald’s ever be good for you?

My natural instinct is to tell you McDonald’s is bad and you should never eat it. But this kind of all-or-nothing thinking is exactly what can contribute to an unhealthy relationship with food, particularly for people vulnerable to eating disorders.

I think our bodies can handle occasional unhealthy food quite well. More on this later.

Did you know that Usain Bolt consumed huge quantities of McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets during the 2008 Beijing Olympics? Yes, McDonald’s is unhealthy, but sometimes short-term health choices are less important than other goals in front of us. Reducing the risk of an upset stomach on race day by choosing a familiar meal was much higher on his list of priorities than well-balanced nutrition.

Familiarity is a common reason people reach for McDonald’s on holidays instead of local delicacies. It’s predictable and easily accessible. That’s good for some people in some circumstances.

As bad as it sounds, there are many benefits to eating McDonald’s. Some are direct and others work by creating a chain reaction that indirectly improves someone’s experience in the moment.

Let’s take hunger as an example.

Fifty shades of hunger

Being hungry is a very subjective sensation. Some people find unhealthy satisfaction in it, and this can contribute to various mental health problems, particularly eating disorders.

For most people, however, being hungry is an unpleasant experience. It can mean a ruined day or holiday. Athletes, particularly bodybuilders, may feel guilty for not meeting their energy needs. Others may experience physical discomfort, low mood, reduced energy, irritability and poor sleep.

Consuming McDonald’s can trigger a chain of events, preventing or correcting many of these negative consequences. One unhealthy meal can mean fewer arguments with family, more energy, improved mood and potentially better sleep.

Contrasting this with feeling tired, grumpy, and not being able to fall asleep due to your stomach shouting at you suddenly makes McDonald’s look closer to the healthy lifestyle you were hoping to protect by avoiding it!

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Knowing yourself

I’m not trying to convince you that McDonald’s is healthy. I just think context really matters. I slightly regret asking such a black-and-white type of question in the title of the article, because the answer is:

It depends.

A lot depends on your personal circumstances and goals. How much have you eaten so far today? How much do you typically eat? Have you exercised? When will you eat next? Is fasting something your body is familiar with?

For example, if you’ve never fasted, you’re starting to run out of juice, and your stomach starts hurting, then spontaneously deciding to become an intermittent faster may not be particularly helpful.

But there’s more to think about. Try considering the questions below. It should make it easier to decide.

Was it a stressful day?
How much cognitive load have you had?
Have you exercised today?
What are your energy needs?
What did you eat earlier?
What happens to your mood when you’re hungry?
Are you likely to sleep well?
When is your next opportunity to eat?

Benefits of fasting

You’ve probably heard about intermittent fasting, where people restrict eating to a particular window of the day (e.g. 8h eating and 16h fasting per day). I also recently learned about extended fasting for 24, 48 or 72 hours. I’ve read about cases of people fasting for a few weeks.

The idea of autophagy seems to be quite well established. Basically, it’s a process where your body breaks down and recycles old or damaged parts of cells. Fasting seems to encourage this process, although much of what we know still comes from animal and laboratory research. We don’t know exactly how long humans need to fast to experience the benefits, how much individual variation there is, and what the long-term effects on health are.

I think fasting can be a helpful health strategy for some people in some circumstances. Reducing your eating window may help you eat less overall and lose weight. Many people would benefit from that, but not in a spontaneous way. I think fasting needs to be well planned.

There is also some research suggesting fasting is a questionable strategy for weight loss when compared to regular dietary advice.

Planned fasting is different from accidentally missing dinner

There is a difference between well-researched and planned experiments with fasting and a spontaneous decision to discover autophagy to avoid eating fast food. Even if the fasting window is exactly the same, the context is not.

Planning might need to include understanding fasting, how to prepare for it and its potential pros and cons, and speaking with an appropriate health professional where necessary.

For some people, it would be important to introduce it gradually to get to know the body’s reactions. Getting familiar with the sensations and how well you tolerate hunger is important.

It’s perhaps also important to highlight that fasting is a form of physiological stress. That’s not always bad. Stress can be good for us. But adding a stressor on top of other stressors can be problematic. If your body is depleted and you completed a hard workout, this may not be the best moment to spontaneously start day one of an extended fast.

Autophagy seems like a helpful and relatively simple idea. Eat less and let your body take care of the rest. But I think it can easily backfire. What happens when you’ve skipped a meal and you’re extremely hungry in the evening? What are the chances you jump at your children’s stash of expired Halloween treats?

Consuming less than your body needs means your body will react, usually aiming to help you restore the energy it needs or is used to getting. If normal symptoms don’t help, they can often intensify and make food increasingly difficult to ignore. So normal hunger, turns into extreme hunger. This includes physical sensations, but also cravings and unexpected emotions.

But what about the downsides of McDonald’s?

I originally planned to write a long paragraph about the downsides of eating at McDonald’s, but then I realised most people are very familiar with this already. So let’s keep it simple.

McDonald’s makes it easy to eat too much too quickly. It is highly processed. It’s high in salt and saturated fat. Most meals contain refined carbohydrates and relatively little fibre, which can cause a rapid rise in blood sugar and leave some people experiencing a noticeable drop afterwards. There is also evidence that a high-fat meal can temporarily affect blood-vessel function after eating.

McDonald’s carries many nutritional disadvantages, but an occasional meal there needs to be seen in the context of your overall diet.

It isn’t actually McDonald’s versus nothing

Asking a binary question often ends with the answer “it depends”. Especially in a blog post with a wide audience.

But even when we stick to only two options, each has multiple variables. You can choose to fast yet shorten it with an early breakfast. Likewise, choosing McDonald’s doesn’t have to mean overeating topped up with two litres of Coca-Cola and a McFlurry. You can drink water. You can skip fries. You can eat chicken pieces and no burger bun. You can choose a smaller meal and eat a healthy breakfast earlier.

You have options.

Can your body handle one unhealthy meal?

Ultimately, what you eat on one particular day probably doesn’t matter much to your long-term health. What matters more is what you eat and how much on a daily basis. If fasting is part of your typical routine, then you’re probably familiar with how it feels and whether it’s worth extending it today to avoid a greasy burger.

However, if you’ve not fasted before or you’ve tried it and it backfired, it may be best if you let yourself enjoy Maccy D’s. Of course it carries a number of negative consequences, but it’s unlikely to make much difference to your overall health if it’s an exception.

I think there is something important about trusting your body. There’s so much happening internally. Our bodies are capable of incredible things and processing one unhealthy meal is probably on the “business-as-usual” list, mainly because ultra-processed food is so common in the modern world and so difficult to avoid.

But it doesn’t mean you should go all in. Portion matters and some damage control is available too.

A note about eating disorders

Being a therapist, I’ve observed too many clients with eating disorders turning their body’s cry for food into a reward.

Hunger is a normal biological signal and often feels unpleasant for a reason. If those unpleasant sensations are labelled as “good”, things can go wrong very easily.

This is also why fasting isn’t a neutral health experiment for everyone. Calorie restriction is probably unnecessary if you’re already undereating or if you’re underweight. People with a current or previous eating disorder should be particularly cautious about deliberately restricting food.

Final words

It may be a silly conclusion, but I think ultimately, it probably mattered very little to my long-term health whether I ate McDonald’s or fasted that evening. I have a relatively regular and predictable diet I can trust. I also trust my body and I know it can handle an occasional meal that isn’t particularly healthy.

My preference would be to skip putting unhealthy food into my body whenever I can, but eating McDonald’s was a much better option for me that day. I took part in a heavy workout earlier that day, I was travelling, and I still needed enough energy to function and think clearly. My body, my brain and my psychology all suggested I needed some fuel.

Eating McDonald’s or skipping a meal can both be reasonable choices. Neither is automatically healthier.

It’s perhaps important to enjoy food, even if it is unhealthy, but ideally as part of a wider lifestyle you’re happy with, rather than something you rely on every day.

If you find yourself asking “McDonald’s or nothing?” every day, then it’s a completely different conversation. What can you do to make sure you don’t have to ask yourself the same question tomorrow?

If your choice really is fast food or skipping a meal, neither is automatically healthier. The better option depends on your circumstances, how much you’ve eaten, how hungry you are, the level of stress, whether you’ve exercised, your experience with fasting and when you can eat next.

What are your thoughts about my conclusions?

I’m ready to be wrong.

Tell me what you think!

Comment

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One of my first memories of phones comes from the late 90s. My cousin, who was a few years older, had just bought a phone. Not just any phone… It was a brand-new Nokia with Snake on it!

Five or six of us were gathered around him as he was breaking records. The snake was getting longer each time it consumed another pixel. I will never forget the day he won the game! His whole screen was covered with a pixelated snake. After what felt like hours of effort, he finally achieved the impossible. I’m still impressed to this day.

Adults were not happy about it though. Every few minutes or so, we were told we should play outside.

Teenagers glued to their smartphones

The world of phones has evolved a lot since the days of Snake. Phones turned into smartphones. Smartphones turned into something that’s increasingly difficult to put down. For many of us, phone use became a gambling-like experience: clicking between different apps and getting caught in endless scrolling loops. Yet for a long time, it felt as though this was purely a problem for the younger generation.

Things were different in the past. Young people very quickly learned to use phones for networking, texting, browsing and distraction. But early phones didn’t offer much to older generations beyond being a practical tool for calls. They would repeat things like: “Kids these days just stare at screens. They’re missing real life”

Teenagers used to spend hours glued to their phones. Parents and grandparents used to complain about it. That was the status quo.

Only recently did I realise this is no longer true.

When did grandparents start doomscrolling?

You only need to look around to see that older people can struggle with the compulsive side of smartphones too. Some scroll through random Facebook videos whilst their grandchildren play. Some people in their sixties or seventies spend hours playing mobile games or watching staged videos, while real life continues around them.

Some of the same people who were telling us to “play outside” got sucked in too. No generation was spared!

How did this happen?

It’s hard to capture the exact moment this happened because it was gradual. The same device that was used to make simple phone calls gradually offered more options: family photographs, news, contact with grandchildren and online shopping.

How they got pulled in

It’s hard to become hooked on something you’ve never interacted with. I think that was often the case for older generation. They hadn’t had as much direct contact with smartphones, so it was easy to dismiss them or even judge those who used them.

However, as the world became more digital, older people were often forced to use them or simply started using them for convenience. Banking apps. Video calls. WhatsApp. Maps. Smartphones became useful tools.

But to use these tools, you need to own a device that’s capable of much more than that.

It was only a matter of time before an app designed to hold attention also captured their attention. Some of the same people who warned us about the dangers of believing everything we see online are now emotionally invested in staged pranks labelled “This restored my faith in humanity”.

If you had shown them this future twenty years ago, they would never have believed you.

Are your excuses better than theirs?

The devices we use are the same. The content is different. Judging other people’s phone use can make us feel better about our own problem.

If you notice another person playing a game that seems pointless or watching a ridiculous video, you may think to yourself, “What’s happened to this world?”.

But a few minutes later, you may be doing it yourself. The difference is that you think you have a good excuse. You tell yourself: My job is important, so it’s okay to check my email at 10pm. I am stuck in a queue so it’s okay to distract. I am tired and I deserve a little break.

We’re in this together. We just don’t see each other’s excuses. That’s why other people’s phone use seems worse than ours. It is as if your phone use is somehow more productive than theirs. But is there much difference between watching funny cat videos and reopening the email app for the twentieth time today?

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Growing up with technology

Sometimes I wonder whether growing up as a millennial, while technology gradually improved around me, was actually an advantage. I was part of the generation that grew up before smartphones and then gradually learned to use them. Each new tool, app or trick that was invented appeared right in front of us. I had time to adapt.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t make phones less addictive for us. But sometimes it feels as though we may have had one advantage. We had time to adjust to the gradual rise of features designed to hold our attention. I recently wrote a post about Instagram and how taking a break from it for eight years helped me notice all the new attention-grabbing features it had introduced. If I had been asked to use it for the first time without any past experience, navigating its tricks would have been much harder.

Different generations, different vulnerabilities

Is the older generation more gullible? I don’t think so, and I hope this post doesn’t get interpreted as a judgement of older people. I think we’re all in this together. I don’t think many of us currently manage our phones particularly well.

My impression is that many younger people are more familiar with the tricks apps use to compete for our attention. That familiarity does not necessarily make the tricks any easier to resist. Some older users may be encountering these tricks for the first time.

The content that catches one generation’s attention can also look questionable to another. This might include videos captioned “You won’t believe what happens at the end”, staged pranks, cat videos, fake science, endless tutorials, gossip, ragebait, clickbait and so on. Each generation has its own equally questionable feed. Same phones, same tricks, same issues… but different content.

No Generation Was Ready

No generation entered the world fully prepared for what smartphones would come to offer. Different generations entered at different points.

Millennials were kind of given a gradual introduction. But previous generations discovered smartphones when the technology was already extremely advanced. On the other hand, the next generation (Gen Z, anyone?) grew up with highly advanced technology as part of normal daily life.

It was as if only one generation was given the opportunity to make sense of this. The others entered it blindly. No warm-up, no explanation… just straight into it when it was already at its most intense.

If you can’t swim, it’s not ideal to be thrown in at the deep end.

Final words

What once seemed like a problem affecting young people now touches every generation. I don’t think any person or generation can be blamed for it. This is simply evidence of how powerful these devices are. Judging other people’s phone use is easy, but the truth is that we’re all in this together.

The same people who warned us about the dangers of phones may never have seen themselves as needing the same warning. They didn’t know what they were signing up for.

Compulsive phone use is difficult to resist. But let’s not look down on each other. The best thing we can do is set an example ourselves. Next time someone reaches for a phone in front of you, is judging them really the best option? Or could you resist reaching for yours as well?

What if, instead, you simply absorbed the life around you? Who knows? Maybe at some point they would join you.

Thank you for spending a few minutes here.
Now, back to the life happening around you :)

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No AI was used to write this article.

A couple of years ago, I bought a nice coffee machine, and I’ve been practising my latte art skills since. I started serving my guests a fancy speciality coffee with a white blob on top, which I bravely started calling a rosetta.

Their choice of drink was easy. They’d just say:

“Can I have one of those nice coffees of yours?”

Then I’d spend five minutes pretending to be a virtuoso barista whilst heavily exploiting my Gaggia Classic, all to produce their tasty drink.

Not a bad routine, right? Well, recently, under a spell of creativity, I decided to complicate things. I created a fancy menu my guests could browse before ordering a drink. It contained all possible coffee options, from espresso and cortado to fancy mochas and lattes. I also added hot chocolates and a selection of speciality and herbal teas. What a beauty!

I was extremely satisfied with myself. Then I invited my first guests, and something felt off.

Saying yes always means saying no

As I watched them browsing the fancy menu, I was probably expecting to witness some kind of fireworks, but instead I saw signs of effort and disappointment on their faces. What just happened?

They were no longer excited about the lovely coffee I was just about to serve them. Instead, they were disappointed about missing out on all the other options. Previously, saying “yes” to a coffee meant guaranteed satisfaction (I’m being so humble!). Now, saying “yes” also meant saying “no” at least 25 times. Metaphorically, of course - I didn’t make them decline each option out loud! Although that would be funny.

This situation made me think. Every time we say yes, we actually say “no” multiple times. Sometimes, being aware of what we’re saying “no” to completely changes our perspective on what we have just said “yes” to. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. I think there’s quite a lot to unpack here, but I’ll try to keep it simple. Let’s look at some easier examples first. Then we can move to some deeper reflections!

Saying yes and ignoring the no’s

I think the coffee example is quite trivial and, as with many trivial choices, sometimes it may be easier if we don’t know what we’re missing out on. Walking through a supermarket aisle offering towers of toilet paper options may push you towards decision fatigue, but, in reality, any of them would do just fine. Even the ones with printed strawberries would work fine, even if they make you panic that you have rectal bleeding.

Some of you may remember times when watching TV was easy. There wasn’t much choice out there. You’d just watch whatever was on. But now, you may spend 45 minutes browsing through all the options on Netflix, Prime, Disney and Apple TV, thinking, “What do I want to watch that would perfectly match my mood and energy?” By the time you choose, your cup of tea is cold. Worrying about missing out makes saying yes, and enjoying whatever you said yes to, much harder.

Every time you go to the gym, you’re saying no to swimming.

Every time you go for a run, you’re missing out on relaxing in the garden.

Every time you’re in a sauna, you’re not dancing, golfing or playing with your puppy. Usually, you’re okay with missing out. Dwelling on everything you’re not doing would probably ruin the experience at hand.

Saying yes and being aware of the no’s

What about serious decisions? Moving to a different country, changing jobs, buying a dog or getting married? All of these may require a bit more thought.

I must admit, despite being quite a reflective guy, I haven’t consciously thought about many of the “no’s” I invited into my life. When I was 19, I moved from Poland to England, and I was more optimistic about this choice than Jim Carrey in the film “Yes Man”. I started grabbing opportunities in life. I was lucky enough for this choice to work out for me and open up many fantastic opportunities. But it came with many “no’s” I hadn’t fully considered at the time, many of which only became apparent 15 years later.

Similarly, I always dreamt of becoming a therapist, but I hadn’t considered that this would probably mean saying “no” to my previous lifestyle. Sitting in an armchair for a few hours every day wasn’t part of it. I was always (and still am) a very active person. Sitting was quite low on my list of hobbies. I love being a therapist. Whether or not this means making some sacrifices to my lifestyle, body and posture, I would probably still make the same choice. That’s quite a lucky position to be in, and I’m grateful.

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Are you making a choice or simply ignoring other options?

Sometimes saying yes without considering every alternative works out very well. When we say “yes”, all our attention is on what is in front of us. The thing we’re inviting into our life is more important than the thing we’re declining. We like what we see. We ignore what we don’t see.

I wanted to be a therapist. I wasn’t thinking that I might miss out on being a vet or an electrician. When moving to England, I wasn’t thinking about missing out on a possible future life in the Seychelles.

Even with simple choices, this is often true. Are you going on holiday to Spain? Not much analysis is required to recognise that, by choosing to sunbathe, you’re also missing out on a hiking trip in Switzerland at the same time.

There may be a mild internal conflict, but we resolve it quite quickly. There is no need for therapy, analysis, meditation space or a spiritual guru to direct us.

Unexamined choices, big conflicts

Things get much more complicated when we make impulsive choices about more serious decisions. Ignoring other options or pretending they don’t exist can create a long-standing internal battle.

Imagine you have a dream of a future where you cuddle up on a sofa with your partner and a cute dog every night. Buying the first cute and cuddly-looking puppy you see could set you up for 15 years of problems if the breed you choose is inconsistent with many of your other goals and circumstances, such as your health, finances, activity level, available time and willingness to commit.

If you look around, you constantly see people living with regrets. The wrong house. The wrong job. The wrong relationship. It’s not so easy to reverse some of these choices. These kinds of situations can happen because people said yes, but perhaps even more because they also unknowingly said no to something else. It would be a disaster to commit to a well-paid job only to realise, a few years later, that you had missed out on the career opportunity of your dreams.

Saying yes means commitment. Commitment gives our choices meaning.

When you have a good understanding of who you are and what your goals and values are, saying yes has a completely different flavour.

Instead of missing out, you’re adding meaning.

Let’s take getting married as an example. It’s an important decision. But impulsively saying “yes” to the first person who sparks your interest is a gamble. On the other hand, if you take part in a process of self-discovery whilst getting to know your partner, building memories together and connecting with a shared vision of the future, it makes the whole thing completely different.

Suddenly, saying “yes” to the person you love becomes beautiful. Doing so, of course, also means saying “no” to other potential partners, but this is exactly what makes it special. Your relationship moves to the next level. It was already very special, but now you’re committing to making this relationship a more official part of your vision and identity.

In this case, saying yes can reduce the potential internal conflict. You are making a conscious choice, and you can enjoy it. Suddenly, your life feels more on track. You have a sense of direction. There is less noise. You’re committed.

Being consistent with your goals

I planted a few pumpkin seeds in early spring. My original thought was that I’d grow the biggest pumpkin in the country. But this process was full of “no’s”. I had to give up on planting them in the ground so that the hungry slugs wouldn’t eat the seedlings. Planting them in pots already meant limiting their growth.

But I recently found out that the best way to grow a giant pumpkin is to cut off all but one of the lovely, healthy pumpkins the plant has produced. This allows all the nutrients and energy to help the one remaining pumpkin thrive.

Would keeping all the pumpkins and seeing them grow only to the size of tennis balls make the whole process worth it? Or would killing all but one of them just to grow one giant pumpkin be more meaningful?

Despite this being quite a trivial example, the answer is not so obvious. Only by digging a little deeper into my original goal can I make a decision. I planted the seeds because I wanted to challenge myself to grow a super-large pumpkin. Growing mediocre ones doesn’t sound that exciting. Sacrifices will have to be made. But if it works out, be ready to see me on the news, standing next to the biggest pumpkin in the world.

Final words

The most meaningful things in life happen because we say yes. However, committing always means rejecting other possibilities. Every time we say yes, we also say no.

You are where you are because you rejected being elsewhere.
You do what you do because you rejected other options.

Sometimes by chance or luck, and sometimes by choice. Our lives are formed by individual yeses. Each one of them carries countless no’s. By choosing where to direct your attention and resources, you decide what really matters.

Thank you for saying “yes” to reading this article
I’m glad you’re here :)

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No AI was used to write this article.

I went to the gym this morning. I was aiming for a gentle session. Just me, the weights, some gentle movement and… wow, that’s probably the biggest mirror in the world. In its reflection I see people compulsively flexing to check their progress between sets. I look away and remind myself of my goals: Just lift and chill.

Unfortunately, my flow state doesn’t last long. Right in front of me I see a massive neon sign:

BIGGER!

BETTER!

STRONGER!

I stare at it for about 10 seconds. I just wanted to ignore it and move on. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. They totally missed my goals! I don’t want to get bigger, better, or stronger today.

I can’t help but notice a lady focused on a demanding cardio session. I highly doubt that she’s there to get bigger. There’s also a slim man wearing a “London Marathon Finisher” T-shirt and completing some rehabilitation stability exercises. They missed his goals too.

This turned into a much bigger reflection. I started thinking about self-help books, therapists, coaches, trainers, YouTubers, TikTokers and other sources of information. People love sharing motivational messages and advice. They may have good intentions, but very often they miss the point.

Of course, it’s impossible for a sign to reflect multiple people’s points of view, so its designer tries to target the majority.

Advice for all

The first problem with advice is that it’s often directed at everyone. The author has gained extensive knowledge of a certain subject. They have figured out how something works. It’s only logical to start telling others about it. Unfortunately, this often rests on the assumption that we’re all the same. The advice typically goes like this: “You’re doing XYZ wrong; you must change ABC.”

Because such advice may be driven by their expertise in a given subject, it sometimes works for some people.

Similarly, the motivational neon sign in the gym telling me to get bigger is probably consistent with many gym attendees’ goals. I don’t think there’s that much wrong with it being there. It’s quite cool. But it’s one obvious example that motivational speakers, advice-givers and people designing wellness spaces all have something in common. They try to help the majority of people. Therefore, advice is often designed for a “typical” person attending the gym.

Books, TikToks and even research papers often describe what works on average. That can be useful, but it does not automatically tell us what will work for one particular person.

Advice for one

Sometimes the problem is the opposite. The person giving advice is a rebel. They tried the generic advice without any success. This was followed by some experimentation with alternative solutions. Eventually, they found something that worked for them.

Because their miracle solution is either simple, unusual or counterintuitive, it feels like a great discovery. The person shares it with the world through TikTok, YouTube or Substack articles. Some popular books suggesting solutions for mental health problems follow a similar pattern. The author may have valuable lived experience but no clinical training, yet still feel confident suggesting their solution to resolve other people’s mental health problems.

Unfortunately, it’s common for the exciting solution that seemed to work for them not to work for other people. The truth is, we may not even know whether it caused the change for that person. There are simply too many factors at play. They tried hundreds of tools with no success, so they assume that the one they were using when they got better must have been the one that worked. A complex psychological, physical, physiological or even spiritual change is condensed into the one visible tool or technique that is easiest to identify. Something that was vaguely correlated with the change becomes the explanation for it.

In other words, their advice takes the form of an ultra-compressed autobiography.

Sometimes, they ask you to reject conventional wisdom and follow advice based on what is essentially a retrospective correlational study with a sample size of one.

The “passionate people” trap

Despite years of studying psychology and even being involved in some scientific research projects, I constantly fall into the trap of “listening to passionate people”. And I think we’re all vulnerable. Watch a Netflix documentary, a YouTube video or listen to an expert on a podcast, and you suddenly start questioning your life choices.

Pick any topic. Find a person passionate about it. Then immerse yourself in a few of their videos or books. Their excitement and passion are contagious. It’s hard to resist becoming a follower of the trend.

Cold plunges, keto diets, intermittent fasting, calisthenics, bodybuilding, vegan diets, juice fasts, high-protein diets, mindfulness, barefoot walking, whoop lovers, whoop protesters, coffee lovers, zero caffeine, wine lovers, zero alcohol, nose breathers, intentional hyperventilation breathers…

Should I keep going?

…morning ritualists, biohackers, one-meal-a-day groups, Reiki masters, mediums, entrepreneurs, anti-ultra-processed-food campaigners, eat-what-you-want life enjoyers, hallucinogenic drug enthusiasts, “chemical-free” beauty products…

More?

…organic food eaters, passive investing experts, natural eyesight-healing methods, Hyrox lovers, minimalists, productivity-system fixers, money-saving experts, gut-healing enthusiasts, longevity experts, natural teeth-whitening methods, attention-span fixers, 9-to-5 lifestyle abandoners, early-retirement planners and so on…

I could keep going.

All that needs to happen is for you to accidentally bump into one of these passionate people on the internet. If what they talk about resonates with something in your life, you’re vulnerable.

Before you follow any advice

Okay… you’ve found an amazing new piece of advice and you’re ready to implement it. You’re just about to change your life. You’re excited. Great! But… wait.

Pause, reflect and do some research.

One approach I find useful is to spend some time looking at credible evidence and arguments for the opposite strategy.

You’re just about to start a keto diet? Fine. But have you looked at credible arguments against it? At accounts of people who tried it and hated it? Or even at evidence of possible health risks for some people?

Another thing to consider is whether this advice is actually consistent with your life goals. Is it helping you achieve what you want to achieve? Or is there a chance it’s getting in the way of other things you value?

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Why should we be careful with generic advice?

We have already established that much of the advice out there has limitations or biases. It often assumes we’re all the same or tells us to follow one person’s story. But there is a deeper psychological explanation for why we should be careful with advice.

Any positive change we experience is much more complex than it seems.

Whether you’ve experienced a life-changing psychological transformation, improved your health or fixed a common problem, it’s unlikely that you can capture the exact process behind this change.

One scientific theory, known as the Perceptual Control Theory, proposes a hierarchy of 11 levels of perception, from basic sensations to higher-level concepts, including goals, values, and aspects of identity. The model suggests that what looks like one simple problem can involve many interconnected levels of experience.

A simple situation or problem may feel obvious, but it is deeply individual. In fact, I would be ready to risk the idea that your problem is one of a kind. It is unlikely that anybody else has experienced this exact issue in precisely the same circumstances, with the same feelings, sensations, personality and perception of the world.

This is the case for psychological problems, but also health problems, lifestyle problems, work problems and spiritual problems. Whatever you’re going through is different from what other people are going through.

Does it mean you should never listen to any advice?

The fact that we’re all unique doesn’t mean there is no value in sharing information. I just think we need to be careful with it.

I think you should even be careful with the advice in this article.

Reading books, listening to podcasts and watching educational content can all be useful. I just think it’s important to approach them with a pinch of suspicion. Here are some questions that sometimes help me:

“This was exciting. I’d love to try it. But is there a chance I’m falling into a trap?”

“This person sounds excited and passionate, but does it mean they’re right?”

“Is the person presenting an objective view of the world or just a one-sided and biased perspective?”

Final words

I think generic advice can be helpful at times. Many problems we face are also problems other people face. If something helped them resolve it, I’m interested in learning about it. It could help me too.

But I think other people’s ideas should be treated as additional prompts. Options. Perspectives.

Being well informed is great. Reading, watching and observing can gradually help you build your own knowledge base. Over time you build a more objective view of the world. Or perhaps a subjectively objective one, but at least it’s yours.

Thank you for spending a few minutes here :)

Here are a few more pictures of the cute woolly pigs featured in the article’s cover image. I spotted them during my trip to Wales a few weeks ago.

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Note: No AI was used to write this article. Just me, my observations and a few imperfections. Please enjoy them. :)

Approximately 8 years ago, I deactivated all my personal social media accounts. As much as I enjoyed the “social” aspect of them, something felt off. Being a psychotherapist meant I was regularly witnessing the negative impact of such platforms on my clients’ mental health.

Last week, I reactivated my Instagram account. And… I was absolutely bamboozled by the state of this thing! Which way do I scroll? Where are my friends’ pictures?

Explosions. Adverts. Attention hooks. Deceptive notifications. Threads teasers. Maps. Tracking. Targeting. Suggested posts. More suggested posts! What’s happening to me?

Instagram has changed

If you see your wife or husband every day, it’s very hard to notice how much they have aged until you see an old photo. It kind of happens gradually. I think something similar must have happened to Instagram. If you’ve used the app regularly, you probably see the same thing in front of you every day. I’d not seen Instagram for 8 years. It felt like visiting my favourite museum gallery, only to discover it had been converted into a busy casino.

If there’s something about Instagram that bothers you and you want to be bothered by it a little bit more, follow along. I’ll share some of my observations and capture the “negative” side of Instagram that was obvious to me after only a few minutes.

It’s up to you what you do with this information, but as with any habit that feels difficult to control, it may be easier to see it for what it is once you see what it is doing to you.

Your privacy is worth less than a cup of coffee

Social media has always relied on people’s personal data for advertising, but this was kept more in the background in the past. This time, I was welcomed with a big warning box asking me to “Pay or Consent”. I could either pay £3.99 for no adverts or use the free version and allow Meta to use my personal data for personalised advertising.

I opted for the free version, which made me feel as though I had sold my privacy for the price of a good cappuccino.

They know what I have been doing for the past 8 years

My account was inactive for 8 years. I used the app for 10 minutes, and half the content I saw referred to interests and activities I had discovered only within the past few years.

I was shown ads for the local padel club, despite only starting to play padel about a year ago. I was shown videos of podcasters I only discovered about 4 years ago. I was shown an interview snippet with a breathwork instructor whose course I attended 2-3 weeks ago in a different country!

This felt a little creepy. How does the app know so much about me? So, I reviewed Instagram’s data-processing and tracking information (so you don’t have to).

They track more than you think

I must admit, writing this feels like inviting you to join my conspiracy theory, but unfortunately, this is the current reality of social media.

What do they collect? A lot. But here are a few examples:

• Your personal photos: If you allow full photo access, Instagram may be able to analyse the pictures in your camera roll for information about you. People, places, locations, interests. This can then be used to personalise the content and adverts you see.

• You real-life interactions: They know your social circles better than you. I was welcomed by a long list of people to follow. Colleagues, neighbours and even people I met on a three-day trip to Spain. The app even started suggesting my clients. As a mental health professional, I highly value my clients’ privacy. I never gave Instagram access to my contact list, I use a different email address and phone number from those I use for work, and of course I don’t have any photos of my clients on my phone (obviously). I can’t know exactly what information connected us.

• Your WhatsApp data: Any WhatsApp chats or groups you belong to are also analysed, although the content of your personal messages is end-to-end encrypted. They record when the group was created or updated, who is in it, how often you use the app, what times you’re active, and when you send and receive messages. It’s not difficult to imagine how this information could be combined with data from other Meta platforms. If three people in your group are interested in fishing rods, you may be assumed to share this interest and have similar ads appear on your Instagram feed.

• Your phone and browsing activity: Meta owns Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp, so it should come as no surprise that these platforms exchange some data. But you’re tracked beyond these platforms. If you click on a link, it usually opens in the in-app browser, where your browsing activity can be stored and analysed. If you try to use a different browser, you’re not necessarily much safer. Many websites use hidden tracking code, such as Meta Pixel, to report your activity back to Meta. Similarly, many apps partner with Meta. Your unique advertising ID can be shared across the apps, allowing activity in one app to be connected to your Instagram account.

They don’t want you to put your phone down, at any cost

As you scroll down to look at (or look for!) your friends’ pictures, you will be attacked by random videos. They all autoplay by default. There is no break between them. To stop one from playing, you need to scroll to the next one.

I watched a few seconds of an interview. It got my attention. My girlfriend asked me a question, and I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to respond, but I didn’t know how to pause the video. I tried to click on it to pause, but the app just entered full-screen mode. I double-clicked, and this marked the video as “liked” but it continued playing. I wanted to close the app, but I didn’t want to miss the conclusion of the interview.

This was kind of stressful. Unfortunately, the “trap” felt intentional. If you pause or leave, the app risks losing your attention. The harder it is to stop, the longer you remain on the app. I’ll tell you more about it below.

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It creates fear of missing out (FOMO)

I learned a new rule very quickly. If I see a post that interests me, I must intentionally do something with it. Save it. Screenshot it. Click it. If you put the phone down, scroll away or close the app, the whole thing may refresh itself, and you may never see it again.

Hold on… You may ask, “Why am I so bothered about a random video?” That’s a good question. Probably because the app wanted me to be? It showed me something that matches my interests. And if you find something you like, you don’t want to lose it.

I originally wanted to see my friends’ holiday photos, but after a few minutes, I started developing a mild version of FOMO, i.e. fear of missing out. And what’s worse, I wasn’t even sure what I might be missing out on.

Many years ago, Instagram was thought to create fear of missing out by showing you friends’ holiday pictures. Now, seeing a friend’s picture is a nice break from all the attention hooks.

Intentional chaos

One of my first observations was that the app felt quite chaotic. Millions of dollars have been invested, and this is the final result? Maybe this is intentional.

Let’s imagine your goal is to message your friend. It would be a shame if that was all you did before closing the app, wouldn’t it?

Instagram is designed to make you forget about your goals. Please, forget who you are and how you’d like to spend your day. Once you lose track, you’re more vulnerable. Then, let’s get your attention, but in a chaotic way. You know something captured your interest, but you’re not sure what. So, you just keep scrolling. The longer you do, the more ads you can be shown.

The endless scrolling loop

I told you earlier about my confusion when trying to pause a video. At some point, I figured out how to do it. You tap the video once to enter full-screen mode. Then you tap it again to pause. How exciting! You can have a brief chat with your family and then return to the interesting video. No more missing out!

Sorry. You’ve been tricked again!

Pausing the video doesn’t just open it in full screen. It basically opens a different app without opening a different app. Now you’re in the Reels section. Scrolling down won’t reveal your friends’ photos anymore, because you’re inside Instagram’s TikTok section.

An hour later, you may be confused about how you ended up watching random videos all this time. You simply continued making the same movement with your thumb as usual. So sneaky. So bad.

They heavily influence what you see

I was confused by how rarely I could find photos of my friends. As I was scrolling, I saw random but interesting videos, some adverts, half-cut Threads posts (luring me into even another app!) and many posts marked as “suggested”. I quickly learned to use the Stories section instead, but that section was also infested with adverts and sponsored posts. I can’t believe how much effort it took to see a few pictures of my friends. It was exhausting.

When did social media stop being social?

The app, originally designed for sharing photos, has intentionally made viewing photos extremely difficult. Why would they do that?

Well, when in doubt, it’s about the money. Showing you ads means money. Keeping you hooked means money. But if you see too many “boring” posts from your friends, that’s risky. You may close the app.

A gambling-like experience

They know you well. They know what they want to show you.

Each new photo or video in an opportunity to target the reward systems in your brain.

Let’s mix the interesting posts with some random posts, some adverts, and an occasional picture of one of your friends. This way, the power of intermittent rewards makes the whole thing even more addictive.

Gradually, you forget why you even use the app. You tell yourself you’re networking. But in reality, it starts to feel like gambling.

What has changed in social media culture?

After reading this, you may be drawing your own conclusions about the problematic nature of Instagram. But the issues we’re discussing here are much broader. Instagram is just an example of the sad cultural shift happening in the online world over the past few years.

Passive users

One of the first things I noticed was that many people’s profiles were half-empty. I was trying to catch up on my friends’ lives, but every time I clicked on someone’s profile, there wasn’t much to see. Is this a new trend? It appears that posting photos, and even keeping old photos on your profile, has become uncomfortable for many people.

Partly, this could be because of privacy concerns. But I think there’s more to it. With feeds being so oversaturated with sparkling content, it has become harder to stand out. Stories, on the other hand, feel temporary and casual. Nobody else can see how many likes your Story received, and replies arrive as private messages.

The internet used to rely on forums where people exchanged information. But the whole thing went in a completely different direction. Instagram is still growing in popularity, but people use it differently. According to Ofcom, only about half of adult social-media users actively post, share or comment.

Battle for attention

I think the first and most obvious change is that all apps are battling for our attention. Your attention can be converted into money. The better they know you and the more tricks they use, the longer you stay on the app. More time means more adverts.

This is especially bad with social media apps, but not only those. I recently tried to use a meditation timer, and it took about five minutes. I was asked to set my goals for the week, commit to a streak and reject premium membership.

It’s hard to stay focused. Your attention is under attack.

Nobody cares about your mental health

None of the popular scrolling apps care about you, your wellbeing or your mental health. They know it can be bad. They may even show you content with mental health advice. But in reality, they don’t want you to leave the app. They want you to keep scrolling so you learn so much that you have no idea what advice to follow, how to follow it or why.

It is hard to believe that an app designed to take advantage of your attention can also be good for your mental health. It’s a contradiction.

False control and autonomy

We all think our views are completely unique and independent, but whose views are we following?

I regularly hear people share information I previously saw online. I catch myself doing it too. We all think we are so sophisticated, but in reality, we’ve been fed information that’s become part of our views or even our identity.

You just need to interact with one opinion, group or interest to be fed more content confirming it. It quickly becomes part of your views or values.

Brain changes

My brain kind of hurts after using the app. I feel foggy. Processing so much information requires a lot of mental energy. And this doesn’t come without a cost.

Our brains constantly adapt and reorganise depending on what we repeatedly do. If you play tennis every day, your hand-eye coordination may improve. This is useful. But if you spend a few hours scrolling, your brain and body also adapt. Not only in the obvious ways, such as posture and physical inactivity. Your brain is struggling to process so much information at such a fast pace. How do you get better at it? Perhaps by becoming quicker at shifting from one thing to another. The problem is that sustained attention may then begin to feel harder.

Shortening attention spans

You often have only a few seconds to decide whether to skip a post, and only a few more for it to “hook” you. That’s why most videos nowadays start with the juicy stuff! It’s like clickbait or a movie trailer. Our brains adapt. We get better at it, but this comes at a cost.

So, what about our attention span? Research suggests that twenty years ago, the average time people spent on a single screen before switching was around 150 seconds, but this reduced to approximately 47 seconds in studies conducted more recently.

We contribute to each other’s misery

The app gives us the tools, but we’re the ones creating the content. We are all fighting for each other’s attention. Even if you escape classic social media, your attention is not safe. Try Substack. Half the posts I see are optimised to catch your attention. Many of the most popular accounts are dedicated to teaching you how to be a good Substacker and capture people’s attention successfully.

Yes, social media is fighting for our attention, but we are the proxies for it. We are the ones using the platform to capture each other’s attention.

If you’re an Instagram influencer, there is no point in posting a video that’s not optimised for Instagram’s audience. You have no choice but to try to “hook” people.

The social media app is the drug lord, you are the drug dealer, and we’re all the drug users.

Final words

This turned into a much longer post than I planned! If you’ve reached the end of it, you must have a decent attention span!

I think we’re far from the moment when the whole thing will go in a different direction. Our attention is under attack. We are being targeted by platforms that spend incredible amounts of money on research into how to make their products more profitable.

Leaving any addictive habit is hard. I am not even suggesting you should leave Instagram. It’s up to you. But if something were to motivate you to stop, or at least reduce your social media use, it would be anger at the people who design the whole thing.

It’s hard to justify using an app that invades our privacy, manipulates us, pushes opinions on us, can worsen our mental health, and reshapes our society for profit.

Yet, Instagram is still growing.

Maybe, instead of calling it social media, we should call it a passive entertainment platform.

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What bothers you most about social media?

What have I missed during my eight-year absence?

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I’m glad you’re here :)

Note: I hope you enjoy some of the imperfections and questionable jokes in this article. No AI was used to write it. Just me and my happy brain. Cheerio!

It’s a lovely morning. Birds are singing. Lovely coffee in front of me. The sun is nicely toasting my skin. Life is good. Nothing can stop me from relaxing.

And then…

“Hello”, says guilt.

What? Now? C’mon! I’m loving my life right now.

“Well, yeah… sorry. I’ll tell you why. Basically, you…” .

Nah, we can talk later. I’m relaxing now. And so… I suppress it. I take a couple of sips of my lovely coffee. It tastes good.

“Hello, I’m still here. It’s important” says guilt. It sounds stronger and louder.

Not now. Sunny weather is quite rare in the north of England. We can talk when it’s raining. And so I keep going with my relaxation, stretching my arms.

But guilt is pushing to enter the party.

What a nosy git!

“Stop ignoring me, I’m making you feel bad for a reason!” It’s shouting at me now. “You’ve planned something more important, remember? If you don’t get it done today, it will end up in a disaster. You’ll feel worse then. Not sure what emotion told you to relax, but my job is to remind you what kind of person you want to be. And today you’re just being silly breaking your own rules.”

“Do you ever feel guilty for making people feel guilty?” I try.

“Stop deflecting! You’ll be a bad person if you ignore me. Finish your coffee and then do what you gotta do. Follow your values. Be a good person.”

Game over.

I get up.

I go inside.

I focus on what’s more important.

Guilt wins.

But so do I, right? A major disaster got prevented today. The tasks on my list were more important this time. A few hours later, my life was back on track.

If you’re reading this article, you can probably relate to some aspects of this dialogue. Guilt can get very loud and nosy and often for a good reason.

But it’s harder when it’s turning up totally uninvited with the wrong message at the wrong time.

Let’s make sense of it. I’ll try to keep it simple.

Stay with me.

When relaxing feels easy

Let’s start with some straightforward ideas.

Imagine you’re having an extremely busy day as if the world decided to attack you from every side simultaneously. You have no choice. You enter your productivity mode. You get things done.

It’s such a relief when things calm down. You can relax. It feels so good to sit down that it kind of hurts. Relaxing feels easy . You’ve kind of earned it. And this feeling may stay with you even if you were to continue engaging with “lazy” or even “unhealthy” activities for the rest of the day.

Relaxation is stacked on top of a productive period. No matter what you do now, it is very unlikely to change your judgment of the week.

“It was a productive week. I’ve done well.”

Guilt is not involved.

When relaxing feels bad

Now let’s look at the opposite example. It’s Tuesday morning, but you’re already fed up. Your to-do list is longer than ever. Just looking at it creates some funny sensations in your belly.

So you think to yourself, “Let’s relax a bit.” You open Netflix or TikTok. “Just one video… one episode… Just one. For now. Or maybe two. Max three….”

You’re trying to relax, but this is much harder. You start feeling guilty. The longer you watch, the more intense the guilt. Now you’re not only avoiding your to-do list, but you’re also dealing with a very unpleasant emotion which you’re also trying to avoid.

Guilt is involved this time. The longer you keep going, the louder it gets.

Feeling guilty when you shouldn’t

Let’s complicate things now.

What if you feel bad but haven’t officially done anything bad?

You’ve had a productive week. Yet, when you’re trying to relax you feel guilty. You try different ways, but the voice inside your head keeps shouting “it’s wrong, it’s against your rules.”

Your unique moral standards

Each person has an internal hierarchy of goals, rules and ideas. They’re not equal. They sit at different levels.

“Not wasting food” is probably a much lower priority than “not killing people”. If I gave you an ultimatum, you’d probably choose to waste some food rather than hurt somebody. You may still feel guilty about wasting food, but not as guilty as you’d be if you hadn’t had a good reason for it.

Your brain and body are programmed to follow the rule. Your perceptions, senses and emotions are all involved. Guilt is heavily involved, but only as a side effect of these rules existing somewhere inside your head.

You may be thinking to yourself: “I don’t care about wasting food!” (Whaaat? You baddie!)

That’s kind of the point I’m trying to make. We’re all different. Despite many observable similarities, your set of rules, ideas, visions, and moral standards is unique. Your perception, your experiences, your reality are all unique. But the above feedback loop within you is the same as other people’s. The same system, but with different settings or variables. This is supported by a robust scientific theory called Perceptual Control Theory – I can tell you more about it another time.

But if you’re human, it’s very likely that’s how you work.

(If you’re not human, you may need to find an equivalent guide for aliens.)

Keeping things on track

Your whole body and mind are constantly involved in keeping things on track. In the case of guilt, it’s the rules about what are “bad” or “wrong” behaviours, and the associated values or long-term goals of yours.

Your perception of these things varies a lot day by day. They’re context-dependent. But the underlying comparison mechanism would be the same. What “is” happening vs what “should” be happening. If they don’t match, you do what you can to correct it. Guilt helps you make that correction.

Feeling guilty when relaxing

So let’s go back to the original question. Why does it feel so bad when you’re trying to relax?

The simplest answer is that you’re doing something against your “rules”. There is a mismatch between the “is” and “should”.

You may disagree at first. You have a very logical thought.

“It’s time to relax and I believe I should relax, so guilt should bog off.”

The problem is that this is a logical thought representing just one belief or rule you have. But what if there is another rule that contradicts this? And what if that other rule is marked as more important?

Conflicting beliefs

You know why you want to relax, but why are you conflicted? It’s worth reflecting on what might be the underlying idea behind you not wanting to relax! Being productive? Not wasting life? Always wanting to do more? Catching up on your to-do list? Staying on top of your work? Being ahead of others?

Perhaps somewhere deep inside your head there are some rules. Some fundamental moral standards, but also ones that touch on your sense of identity. Who you are and who you want to be. In other words - what kind of human it would be “bad” to become.

And based on what you learned earlier, guilt is likely to show up.

Your guilt just does what it’s designed to do. Like a thermostat, turning on when the room temperature is different from the desired one. If you set it too high whilst leaving the window open, you’re forcing it to work overtime.

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So how do I relax despite feeling guilty?

Let’s go back to the idea of relaxing and feeling guilty. I can see three different outcomes, with only the last one being problematic.

1. You realise you don’t really want to relax, so you focus on more important goals.

2. You realise you want to relax despite other conflicting goals.

3. You stay stuck in internal conflict.

Let’s go through these one by one.

The first and easiest option is that after reflecting on your situation in the context of deeper identity goals, you realise relaxation was a mistake! Yes, you deserve it from one angle only, but in a wider picture you should be prioritising something more productive. You may choose to abandon relaxation and just crack on.

The second option is also easy. Your guilt is telling you what to do, even a bit forcefully. But you acknowledge its message, review your options and decide to continue relaxing. You feel a bit guilty, but once you recognise the message it was trying to pass is important but not fully relevant to the present moment, it will get quieter, and you’ll enjoy your relaxation more.

And there is the third option. You are relaxing and you are feeling guilty at the same time. You keep trying different ways, but it’s just getting worse. You’re stuck in internal conflict. Let’s make sense of it.

Dealing with internal conflict

Before we fully make sense of things, let’s clarify a couple of points:

• Contradictory emotions can coexist.

• Contradictory rules/goals can coexist.

It’s totally possible to feel guilty and relaxed at the same time, whilst holding two contradictory beliefs:

“Time to relax” ← 🤔 → Time to be productive”

Whatever you choose to do, you’ll feel guilty either way. The feedback mechanism discussed earlier occurs on both sides. Each side of the conflict is trying to help you achieve its own goal.

Imagine placing a heater and an air conditioner in one room, each controlled by a thermostat set to different desired temperatures. They’ll either both stay turned on, or things will keep swinging between hot and cold as they both turn on and off.

Compromises will have to be made. Can you smash one thermostat with a hammer? Okay, sorry, that’s a bit extreme. Let’s think of something else.

Let’s have a look at the two conflicting goals.

“Time to relax” ← 🤔 → Time to be productive”

They both seem to be equally important. But can you get beyond each one of them? Beyond the words… to the deeper meaning…

Take each side and ask:

• What’s so important about that?

Write down the answer and ask again.

• What’s so important about that?

Keep going until you get as deep as possible.

Internal conflict resolution

One of my favourite outcomes of conflicting thoughts is a realisation that both goals represent the same higher-level value, like in the example below.

Doing this gives you a much wider picture of the situation. It’s much easier to recognise that if you crack on with your to-do list, you’re actually less likely to achieve your overarching goal. You’ve already been feeling fatigued and less productive and burnout is just around the corner. Additionally, you’re aware of the context. You’re on a family holiday right now. Spending time with your family helps you achieve your goals directly. You realise that most of your work tasks are not urgent, and this makes it easier to relax.

Of course this is an example. The context, perceptions, and goals will all be different each time.

In some cases, you may just need to experiment. Choosing one side always has some pros and cons. But dealing with the cons of one side is much easier than being affected by the cons of both sides as a result of staying stuck in the internal conflict.

Final thoughts

I totally recognise it’s often not that simple. We all hold beliefs that are not always logical. Many of them are unrealistic. They can help us achieve great things, but they can also make our emotions work overtime.

Being stuck in a chronic internal conflict is often the most problematic.

If you’ve tried different ways and things are just going downhill, it’s okay. You’re not alone. This stuff is hard. Stay in self-discovery mode where you can. Reflecting, journalling, and conversations about this topic can all help update something in your internal system.

Sometimes those unrealistic perfectionist beliefs are not easily accessible or may be associated with painful or traumatic memories. Seeking the help of a professional specialising in these issues could offer a good space to gradually get yourself unstuck from a lifelong battle with guilt.

If you’ve reached the end of this article, well done. It probably means the topic of relaxation being interrupted by guilt is familiar. It’s a long article. I feel a bit guilty for taking so much of your time. But just knowing it’s helped you, helps me feel less conflicted. 😊

👉🏼 Leave a comment. I put a lot of thought into this one. I’d love to hear what caught your attention.

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I’m glad you’re here :)

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When I was in primary school, my teacher often tried to introduce wellness tips into the classroom. We would regularly stand up and move around to improve our circulation, and practised nasal breathing to de-stress.

I quite enjoyed it. But I remember one piece of advice being very confusing. It was about the nervous system and how to use deep breathing to manage stress.

“Please all stand up and start breathing through your belly,” the teacher announced. “This will help your body relax.”

Breathe through my belly? I thought. She must be confused. I had only just learned about breathing through my nose, so belly breathing was kind of new. It’s possible the teacher noticed my confused face, because she started clarifying further.

“Avoid breathing through your chest and just expand your belly.”

This clarification did not help at all.

I wanted to learn this special technique. Various thoughts crossed my mind. This is important. I don’t want to be a stresshead but… how da flip am I supposed to breathe through my belly button?

I looked around and I wasn’t the only one confused. All my friends were tensing up and twisting their bodies as if they were in a belly dancing competition!

I joined in, pushing my belly in and out. It kind of hurt, but If it was meant to relax me, then it’s worth giving it a go, I thought.

So I continued doing what I now know would probably class as breath holding with intermittent tensing of my abs. By the end of it, I felt a little demoralised. I was in pain and there was no sign of the promised relaxation.

It’s funny to remember my thoughts then. Now, I know much more about breathing, but I think it’s useful to reflect on what happened. Many people will relate to the confusion of unclear breathwork instructions. I think a milder version of this story happens every day all over the world.

Yoga teachers, therapists, personal trainers, and even breathwork instructors repeat the phrase “belly breathing” or “diaphragmatic breathing”. I think their intentions are usually good. But without sufficient anatomical explanation, it’s easy for things to go wrong - probably not as far as my idea of inhaling through the belly button when I was 7, but still wrong.

In this guide, I will use my experience as a therapist and years of personal practice in breathwork to break it down step-by-step.

Diaphragmatic breathing made simple. Let’s try.

If at any point it feels too complicated, it means I failed at keeping it simple. Sorry! But don’t worry, I will provide a summary at the end. Feel free to jump straight there if you’re short on time.

The diaphragm

The more you hear a word, the more familiar it feels. But this wasn’t the case for me with the word diaphragm.

When I was a novice therapist, I signed up for a mindfulness instructor course. Even then, I was confused by what a diaphragm is. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t see it. I had no idea how to use it, but I was constantly being told to use it. What’s worse, I was being told to tell other people to use it.

In simple words, the diaphragm is a muscle. It is quite wide and flat, and it separates your chest from your abdomen. It is also very thin when relaxed, roughly a couple of millimetres. Your ribcage is above it. Most of your organs are below it.

It looks a bit like an umbrella.

The wrong way to use your belly

Stand up for a moment and direct your attention to your abdomen.

Now try to expand your belly as if someone asked you to pretend you were pregnant.

Notice the muscles you use to perform this movement.

And before you get too excited about this skilful mind-muscle connection, please log it in your mind as WRONG.

This kind of forced belly pushing is a very common misunderstanding in “belly breathing” exercises. Tensing your abs and pushing your belly out is not what we’re looking for here. During a normal inhale, your abs are not directly involved. Most of the work is done by the diaphragm, with help from the muscles between your ribs. So, please don’t force your belly forward.

Don’t be too upset about abandoning your abs though. They have their role. Abs are more involved when exhaling, especially forceful exhaling.

Try this:

Exhale all the way out.

Then, instead of inhaling straight away, exhale a tiny bit more.

And then a tiny bit more.

And then a tiny bit more.

You will probably feel your abs contract.

This contraction happens automatically, particularly when the exhale becomes more forceful. You didn’t purposefully involve your abs, your body did it instinctively when required. So in normal relaxed breathing, there is no need push - just trust your body to do its thing.

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How does the diaphragm work?

The first thing to understand is that air entering your body doesn’t expand your diaphragm. It is the other way round. The movement of the diaphragm changes the pressure inside your chest, which helps draw air into your lungs.

Imagine using a plunger. Your pipe is blocked. Something is stuck inside it. As you pull and press the plunger, the pressure changes inside the pipe and helps move what is stuck. That is what the diaphragm does with pressure in your lungs.

When the diaphragm moves from its relaxed curved shape and starts flattening downwards, it’s trying to create more space in the ribcage. This change in space and pressure helps air enter your lungs. Check out the below visual demonstration of how the diaphragm moves.

Mouth vs Nose

You’ve probably heard that mouth breathing is bad for you.

That’s generally true. Sometimes mouth breathing can be useful, especially when your nose is congested or you need more air quickly.

But for calm breathing at rest, use your nose if you can.

Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your nose.

This is what your nose is for.

I can tell you more about nasal breathing another time.

Movement in the chest and shoulders

It is very common that when someone takes a deep breath, their whole upper chest and shoulders move upwards. This is not ideal if you’re trying to calm your system down. That’s how we commonly breathe when we’re stressed, breathless, or just trying too hard.

Your chest is definitely involved. Just not this way.

Your ribcage is designed to expand when you breathe. All the way round. Whereas lifting and tensing the shoulders means the lower ribs barely move.

When your diaphragm moves down and air starts entering your lungs, your belly may naturally expand slightly, but the rest of the movement happens in your ribcage.

Your ribs should open up in all directions.

Towards your back.

Towards your sides.

And towards the front.

The natural pause between breaths

Imagine you are lifting a heavy item above your head and then putting it down on the floor multiple times. It is much easier to rest when the item is on the floor. Taking a break while holding it above your head would require a lot of tension. It wouldn’t feel exactly very relaxing.

Breathing is similar. As we’ve established, the diaphragm has a dome-like shape when relaxed. Then it contracts and moves down to help draw air in. This means that holding the breath after an inhale requires more effort because the muscles have to stay contracted.

During the exhale, the diaphragm returns towards its natural curved shape. At the end of a relaxed exhale, there can be a natural pause. No forcing or tensing. Just a nice peaceful moment before the next inhale arrives.

How to breathe with your diaphragm

So let’s look at a natural breath, step by step.

Make sure you are not tensing.

Keep your belly, chest, shoulders, and neck relaxed.

Close your mouth.

Rest your tongue at the roof of your mouth.

Gently exhale. Do not force it.

Now your lungs are ready for another breath.

Direct your attention to where the diaphragm is. Do you remember its shape?

Now allow some air to slowly start enter through your nose as you imagine a gentle movement downwards in your diaphragm. Not forward. Downwards.

As you continue with the inhale, air slowly enters your lungs.

Your ribcage slowly expands in every direction.

Try for this to be a natural as possible. No tensing.

Then you let go.

Air starts leaving your lungs.

Again, no tensing required. Just letting go.

At the bottom of the movement, you may notice some natural tension from your abs contracting. This is okay, as long as you are not forcing it.

Then a natural pause happens.

Enjoy it.

The pause is my favourite bit when doing breathwork. Nice and peaceful. I can tell you about experimenting with longer breath retentions another time.

Useful tip: The above steps of course require quite a lot of effort and attention from you. They will become more instinctive over time. Start with intentional breathing practice, so that at some point your natural breathing adapts. This includes breathing at night becoming calmer and more efficient.

If you try this and still feel confused. It’s okay. It takes some time. But at least now you won’t be mistaken for a belly dancer.

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It’s 8am on Saturday morning. I am sat in the sauna in the local contrast therapy centre with a few other wellness enthusiasts. They’re now very familiar and friendly faces. I’ve become a regular.

I can hear peaceful music in the background, the sound of hot stones, and the occasional slamming of the sauna door as people come and go to take advantage of the cold plunge.

Whatever is happening with dopamine, endorphins, heat and cold - everyone’s mood seems to lift. The place very quickly turns into a pub-like experience, with jokes, stories, and interesting facts.

“Kuba, you’re a psychologist, let me ask you this question,” says one of them. His name is Steve. His face is now full of concentration and determination. I am curious.

“Why do we like this? Sauna… cold water…?” says Steve.

What a great question, I think to myself. I have a few answers circulating in my head.

“I think it’s because huma…” I start.

“Let me interrupt you here,” says Steve. His eyes are much wider now. This is followed by a longer monologue. At this point, I realise it was never about a question. It’s time to listen.

“Humans are not all the same. But we are told the same advice. Do we all experience benefits from this sauna and cold plunge or are we just following another fad?” says Steve, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m tired of all this wellness advice. Everything turns into a protocol. We are being told what to do, how to manage stress. We are told what’s good for us and bad for us. Everything is called wellness now.”

He continues for a few minutes. I bite my tongue a couple of times, thinking of the best angle to enter the debate. Another lad on my right joins in. His name is Matt. He is usually very good at offering a balanced perspective. Let’s go Matt!

“I think the modern world is…” he starts.

Steve leans forward again. He’s determined to make his point very clear, and so he continues. At that point, it’s been a while since I’ve cooled down, but I don’t dare to leave for the cold plunge for fear of missing out.

That’s how the debate started. Steve is a friendly guy, and I’m exaggerating slightly for dramatic effect. After the initial passionate speech, he lets us express our ideas.

It was a great thought-provoking conversation to start the weekend. And I think Steve made a very good point.

The wellness world has gradually turned healthy living into a battle with rigid and detailed step-by-step protocols.

Despite the growing availability of research and advice, many people still seem to feel more stressed and unwell.

I’m not sure we can fully blame wellness trends. But I think when wellness stops being useful and turns into an unrealistic set of rigid rules, the whole thing is starting to miss the point.

What’s the problem with wellness advice and protocols?

Many wellness ideas are backed by research. But even a good scientific study does not capture the uniqueness of individual people.

Despite researchers’ best intentions, each sample has variation. There may be people whose reactions are completely different from the average person in the group. Researchers may identify outliers and sometimes exclude them, but that is not the main issue. The bigger problem is that results are often reported at group level.

Whether this involves measurement before and after an intervention, or a comparison between a group with and without the intervention, it often relies on the average.

What is the conclusion from many studies?

“XYZ helped people on average.”

In other words, if the analysis suggests a statistically significant difference, it means that, on average, the intervention was associated with a measurable difference on that variable in that sample.

It doesn’t mean it helped everyone. It doesn’t even mean it helped in the way we hoped.

Other variables may not be tested, and people who experienced a different reaction may not be fully captured.

Despite this, I think research is useful. But it’s just a guide. Most of us are not walking through life as a group average, so maybe we need some flexibility.

What if there was no wellness advice out there?

I like to flip things on their head to make sense of debates. So let’s try it here.

What if there was no wellness advice at all?

Nobody would share tips or protocols. No YouTube videos, no research, no instructions, no data, no anecdotal stories.

The local therapy centre would probably have never opened. Today’s debate in the sauna wouldn’t have happened. So that’s the first downside.

On a wider note, it would take us longer to know what works.

Exercise technique, cooking tips, healthy diet, mental health tools, productivity systems. It can all be useful stuff. I don’t think it would be easy without it.

If it was all gone, we would need to get very curious again. Experiment. Observe. Notice. Mistakes would have to be made.

If nobody told you what food is healthy, how to breathe, or how to optimise sleep, you would have to discover it yourself.

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How to best approach wellness advice

I do recognise I am touching on the idea of optimising optimisation, but for a good reason. I think optimising for a good life should be relatively simple. Maybe there is a way to find a minimalist approach to wellness?

The moment it turns into a complex set of rules to follow, it becomes stressful. And constant stress is not wellness.

I think worrying about the impact of stress and constantly optimising for low stress is a common way to develop chronic stress. Stress is a signal that helps us achieve certain goals. If one of those goals becomes “I must be less stressed”, things can get complicated.

Relaxation becomes a performance target. Not exactly relaxing.

So how can we make wellness advice less stressful?

I think it’s by combining two apparently contradictory points into one.

1. Wellness protocols and advice can be very helpful.

2. Humans are unique and don’t fit neatly into protocols.

How can both be true at the same time?

For this to be possible, we need to be able to extract useful information from any protocol or advice but not lose ourselves in the process.

The only way is to see any wellness advice as an option or guide.

The main thought being:

“Here is something someone tried, and it works for them.”

Then, based on your personal history, experiences and goals, you may need to decide whether you personally feel it’s worth experimenting with this particular tool. And even if you do try it, would you continue using it if you can’t observe any obvious benefits?

For me, the process looks like this:

Learning something new -> is it for me? -> Moving on or experimenting -> Observing, noticing, reflecting, adjusting.

I don’t mind learning about new wellness trends and tools. I quite enjoy reading books or listening to podcasts. But I always try to apply some flexibility to it. I don’t blindly follow any of the advice. In fact, doing so would be impossible.

Social media plays a big role in wellness trends. The internet is oversaturated, and with short-form content becoming the new normal, you will see a new piece of advice every few seconds. People end up following trends and often promoting them, without fully understanding the mechanism behind the given tool.

Instead of observing our bodies, learning to notice and reflect, people end up doing what “looks cool” on social media.

Getting a good night’s sleep and not telling anyone about it is definitely much better for you than a slow-motion ice bath video with 67 likes.

How do you know if a given tool is working?

I find that one of the ways to decide whether a new tool is working is to observe your reactions, especially stress levels.

If your nighttime routine stresses you out to the point you can’t fall asleep, something’s gone wrong.

If your new exercise programme, designed to improve your energy, causes you to crash for six hours, then clearly it doesn’t agree with your body.

If you tried cold plunge because you’ve heard it can improve your immune system, but you get ill each time after, then perhaps you need to try something else, or at least experiment with modifying the duration or temperature.

I don’t know if there is such a thing as an optimal lifestyle or routine. Your nervous system doesn’t have a dashboard. There are simply too many variables that change every day, every hour, every minute. Your body is a flexible system, adjusting all the time. What works today may not work tomorrow.

Observing your own body and emotions is key to developing a healthy relationship with wellness tools. There is no point filling your day with endless rituals. Your life will become about tracking and optimising.

If you spend all your time trying to live better you may end up with no time to actually live.

So maybe, let’s just aim for a minimalist approach to wellness.

Stay curious and keep learning. Add some flexibility. Don’t treat each new tool as a “must”. Practise letting go of those that take too much out of you.

Can you condense your approach to a few simple things that work most of the time?

If you do, please let me know. I’ll personally thank Steve and Matt for starting the debate that inspired this article.

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Last week I was in Ireland for my close friends’ wedding. Three days of celebrating, socialising, and dancing felt like a reset for my whole body. I came back refreshed, despite my body clock being completely dysregulated by sleep deprivation.

It’s interesting how much can happen in a few days, but even more intriguing is the fact that, in such a short time, I made friends with more people than I have in the last few months.

There are a lot of psychological angles you could take from events like this. I do have a tendency to try to cover too much in my writing, so let’s focus on one intriguing concept today. The power of temporary communities.

The power of temporary communities

It’s interesting how a stranger can start to feel familiar much quicker when they share the same space and story. Have you ever thought about how you met your close friends? Many friendships start in similar circumstances, first day of school or work, or maybe as a result of shared interest, experience, or goal.

In the last few days, I joined a group of people who had the same goals as me: celebrating, supporting the wedding couple, socialising, and enjoying ourselves.

People are unlikely to arrive at events like this with the goal of “I want to be alone” or “I want to avoid making any new friends”.

We kind of instinctively know this, and not much analysis is needed.

When we have a shared goal, connections happen much quicker. You’re able to walk across the room, approach a stranger, smile, say hi, and introduce yourself. It’s very likely you’ll experience kindness, openness, and interest back.

Doing the same to a random person on the London tube is unlikely to lead to the same outcome.

Saying hi to other guests opens the door to something new coming into your life: an interesting fact, funny moment, or cultural insight.

I had a conversation about tractors with the father of the bride, exchanged some wellness tips with a person currently staying in Dubai, and spoke to an ABBA fan who has seen the ABBA Voyage show nine times already, inviting me to join them next time.

At some point, a friendly guy approached me with a big smile on his face, congratulating me on my marriage, as he had mistaken me for the groom. I had to disappoint him by saying I was only one of the groomsmen, but we laughed about it a few times throughout the night.

Joining and leaving communities

We all belong to various groups and communities. Some of them are more exciting than others. And they all have certain social rules. Let’s have a look at a few examples.

Visiting the gym means you unintentionally join the “local gym community”, and you end up following its unwritten social rules. Put the weights back after use, respect other people’s space, etc.

When you attend a conference or mandatory training course at work, you join the “attendees” group. You try to arrive on time, exchange ideas with colleagues next to you, and may even suggest going out for lunch together, despite only just meeting some of them.

When I arrive for a game of padel, I usually play with people I’ve never met. But we’re all following the same rules, not cheating, and usually aiming to enjoy the game. People are very respectful of each other. We all become a group of friends for the next 90 minutes.

All these are examples of temporary groups. They all follow completely different rules, allow us to see the world from a different perspective and make us step out of our usual social script. You would never invite a random person on the street to go for lunch together. You probably also wouldn’t ask a person standing next to you at a bus stop for their bench press personal best.

As you go through your day, you constantly join and leave temporary communities, neighbours, commuters, work colleagues, gym goers, social media scrollers, parents picking children up, sauna goers, Substack writers, etc.

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Goals connecting people

Each of the above groups connects people in different ways. Connection occurs because they all happen to be in the same space, at the same time, with a shared goal.

Goals connect us. Not just in temporary communities. We all crave social connection and search for people we can relate to. We watch YouTubers who share some of our ideas, we spend time with friends who understand or support our lifestyle choices, and we marry partners with a similar vision of the future to ours. I am writing this article with the hope that my ideas will resonate with the readers.

Sharing a goal with others seems to be one of the most important ingredients for connection. Maybe this is because humans naturally think in terms of “us”. In the case of the wedding, the shared thought would be: “We’re the wedding guests.” This creates a few shared goals. Opportunities for connection come up.

But the beginning is not always easy.

Why does socialising feel awkward?

I really like thinking about caveman era to explain how humans function. Many of our basic social tendencies make more sense when we remember that humans evolved in dangerous environments, where the main goal was “to not die”.

Living in a dangerous world without electricity and surrounded by predators would have made safety a big deal. Belonging was important. Being excluded from a group could have been dangerous. That’s probably one reason why any sign of disapproval from others can make us feel down, and breaking social norms can lead to embarrassment. These emotions probably help us notice threats to our sense of belonging and help adjust our behaviour.

It may feel a little outdated, but it’s also true today.

Forgetting to wear my trousers to work would be a disaster. Luckily, just the idea creates a sense of embarrassment, preventing me from risking my social image.

Arriving at an event where we don’t know anyone can also feel intimidating. And for a good reason. You are joining a group of people, but you’re not yet fully familiar with the rules. Awkwardness and embarrassment are signals for you to be careful.

You don’t go into a monologue about why your way of loading the dishwasher is objectively correct. This would be random and risky.

Instead, you take your time to get to know the person, starting with safer topics.

How does awkwardness turn into temporary friendship?

In temporary communities, connections happen much faster.

But to achieve the effect of accelerated friendship, you may need to put in some effort first.

How does the same person looking away in awkwardness when you’re shaking their hand end up putting their arm around you and bouncing with you on the dance floor two hours later?

One way to understand this is through what psychologists often call the “mere exposure effect”. Its understanding has evolved over time, but the idea is still very relevant. People tend to develop a preference for things they are familiar with. So repeated exposure to the same object, situation, or person can result in developing more positive feelings.

It starts with a simple hello before the ceremony. From there, the connection deepens gradually → a smile as you pass each other → a conversation by the bar → bumping into them outside the toilet → dancing in the same corner of the dance floor → having breakfast together the next day → exchanging photos, and so on

Window of opportunity

At events like this, the window of opportunity never really closes, but it gets smaller.

The above repeated exposure effect means that each person is slowly building a “circle of certainty”. Entering the next stage of the wedding is much easier because there are already some familiar faces. People will naturally gravitate towards and approach the people they know.

This can accidentally mean excluding those they haven’t met yet.

That’s why I think it’s important to make an effort at the beginning of such events. A very small smile or handshake takes 10 seconds, but opens the door for the power of repeated exposure. Often leading to quite meaningful connections by the end, especially if the wedding includes more than one day of celebrations, which was the case for the Irish wedding I attended.

So why do many people not like weddings?

For many people, attending a social event is a nightmare. Anxiety, embarrassment, and worries can dominate the experience. If that’s you, please allow me to share some reassuring thoughts.

As much as most people’s goal is to “socialise” and “enjoy” themselves, that’s not true for all. There are plenty of people who go to such events with the goals of “survive” and “don’t stand out”.

If this sounds familiar, then remember that there are plenty of people who have similar goals. This may make you feel better. You can join the temporary community of “social survivors”. Finding them should be relatively easy, because they are likely to spend time in similar spaces, e.g. smoking zone, quiet side room, toilet, or beer garden.

You can build a surprisingly good connection by exchanging your ideas about awkwardness and shyness and even laugh at the awkwardness of these events.

At each stage of the event, seeing this person again will feel like safety and relief. Those positive feelings will help to build a good connection over time.

Taking advantage of the power of temporary communities

Temporary communities create shared rules and expectations, but this doesn’t automatically come with friendships. For example, in many gyms, the shared goal is to exercise while politely leaving each other alone.

For accelerated friendship to be an option, you may need to consider communities whose goal includes social contact.

A wedding does this very well. So does the first day at school or university. Starting a new job. Attending a training course. Moving into a new build estate where everyone is meeting their neighbours for the first time. Joining a retreat, sports trip, or group holiday.

In those situations, introducing yourself is kind of expected.

As you go through life, observe those moments when you feel a little awkward. It’s very possible that others share that feeling. And there it is. You found your shared goal.

Next time you attend a wedding, course, or another extended event, try to take advantage of the window of opportunity at the beginning.

Just saying hi to a few people early on can start a chain of repeated exposure.

Nothing impressive.

Just a smile, a handshake, or a quick introduction.

Then, when you see them again later, they are no longer strangers.

That’s often how it starts.

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Living healthy sometimes feels like the easiest task in the world, and at other times it feels confusing.

Breakfast is one of the topics where it is easy to be misled by various opinions online. The advice is endless, often contradictory, but usually expressed with 100% confidence. The more you learn, the harder it is to know what is “correct”.

I don’t recall breakfast ever being analysed in detail in childhood. Most kids consumed Nesquik or Chocapic, and the only debated topic was whether or not the milk should be warmed up.

I think it’s good we’re talking about it now, but I wish we could simplify it.

The first issue is whether breakfast really is important or simply something to skip because of all the claims around fasting and autophagy. I may write about this another time. Today, I have kind of unintentionally placed myself on one side of this debate already.

The issue of morning decision-making

This thought has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now. Why not just make life simple, identify a healthy and reasonably optimal meal, and go on auto-pilot mode every morning?

Apart from the risk of boredom, I quite like the idea.

Time in the morning is very precious. Removing clutter and any unnecessary tasks helps to create space for things that matter. Without a good plan and with limited time, it’s much harder to make good decisions. Entering your kitchen with only 6 minutes to spare means probably going for the easiest and fastest option available. Quick toast, pastry, granola, crumpets with butter, ultra-processed protein bar?

I think having a clear idea of breakfast options can resolve the problem of mindless and rushed decisions.

And if there was a way to simplify it further, then why not?

Why waste time worrying about breakfast options?

I would absolutely hate to find out one day that the food I chose as my one and only breakfast was bad for me, or simply a waste of time. Putting some effort in now, so the next few years of my life can be a bit healthier, sounds like a decent idea.

I am aware there is no guarantee. I’m not looking for perfection either. A reasonable and informed choice is good enough.

Nutritional trends change every few years. It’s possible that in 2040 we’ll be laughing about our current choices. My friend and I have a rolling joke that one day a new study may come out suggesting harmful effects of avocados, which currently are probably a symbol of healthy living.

It has already happened, to some degree, with coconut oil, margarine, fruit juices, smoothies, granola, low-fat yoghurts, rice cakes, veggie crisps, protein bars, diet drinks, honey, dried fruit, and I could keep going. So… no choice is completely safe!

The below is my personal reflection, but as always, let’s not forget how unique we are, and how differently we respond to different foods.

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Breakfast options and preferences

I personally find that anything sugary or carbohydrate-heavy is probably the worst thing for me. It doesn’t feel like real food, and it sets me up for a sugar crash later in the day. I am more likely to crave a snack and generally feel more dysregulated.

For this reason, I am ready to cross out cereals, granola, instant oats, pastries, crumpets, and bread.

But I also think the activities I engage with require fuel. I work with highly emotional content in therapy with my clients, and I exercise quite heavily. My brain and body both need steady energy. So, for me, completely avoiding carbs in the morning does not feel like the right answer. I just need to avoid the crash.

I probably should aim for higher-protein, maybe combined with a slower-release carbohydrate option or something that slows down its absorption. I think rolled oats mixed with other ingredients sounds like a good candidate.

I’ve tested many options, including morning salads, gut-friendly beans, and ambitious shakshukas. But despite good intentions, I generally find myself cycling through two or three easy meals: either oats with protein yoghurt, berries, nuts and seeds, or an egg-based meal, sometimes with added avocado or other greens.

Over time, I started naturally gravitating towards the former.

Optimised overnight oats

If I prepare my oats in the morning, I cook them. That’s why I prefer the overnight version. It saves time. I usually mix them with a good portion of high-protein unflavoured yoghurt, such as Skyr or Greek yoghurt. I add some water too, otherwise it can turn into cement. Then I experiment with different ingredients: flaxseed, chia seeds, various nuts and seeds, blueberries or cherries, and even a sprinkle of cinnamon on top.

When I think of a good start to the day, this is where my mind goes. It gives me energy and clarity, and it doesn’t get in the way of my productivity.

It’s easy to make and it seems to cover most of what I want from breakfast:

• High protein? Tick.

• Carbs? Tick.

• Slower-release energy? Tick.

• Fibre? Tick.

• Vitamins? Tick.

• Antioxidants? Tick.

• Healthy fats? Tick.

• Gut-friendly? Tick.

Have I found my guilt-free, no-faff, all-in-one meal?

Possibly.

Is it perfect?

Unlikely.

Am I okay with that?

I think so.

What if oats are bad for you?

I’ve previously read suggestions that oats cause inflammation. Luckily, the 2021 meta-analysis (a summarised analysis of many studies), did not support this idea.

And with oats being one of many ingredients in this meal, I am not too concerned. But I am ready to be wrong and adjust where needed.

Benefits of eating the same meal daily

The main benefit of eating the same meal daily is simplicity.

It takes me less than 5 minutes to prepare in the evening and it’s ready for me in the morning when time is limited.

Shopping is easy. All I need is a big bag of rolled oats, cinnamon, and natural high-protein yoghurt (e.g. skyr). I regularly top up my freezer with frozen berries and my cupboard with a variety of nuts and seeds. All the ingredients usually have long expiry dates, meaning I’m not wasting much food either.

The meal keeps me full until lunch. I don’t snack or crave food. If I have a busy day at work, I find it gives me a good spread of energy, with no crashes. My concentration is not affected, allowing me to focus on my clients or other activities.

It agrees with my body. No bloating, no discomfort.

It helps with exercise. It supports my muscle recovery and helps with fuelling my late morning workouts.

It tastes good.

I don’t get bored of it. And if I do, I can be flexible. I can modify the ingredients: different berries, fruit, nuts, seeds, and so on.

I don’t need to worry about nutrition. I can leave decision-making for more important tasks.

Should I eat the same breakfast every day?

I’m not planning to eat the same breakfast daily for the rest of my life. This is not a New Year’s resolution or an attempt at making my life more rigid. It’s kind of the opposite. Whenever I feel more creative, I have more time, I am away, or I simply crave change, I can eat something different. No issue here.

If I was forced to choose one breakfast for life, it would probably be the above. I can’t imagine eating a bacon sandwich, sausages, or other heavy meals as my daily default option. Even egg-based options are something I go off easily. Eating scrambled egg two days in a row often results in my body telling me, “No more please.”

And I think forcing myself to eat something nutritious that I don’t enjoy would probably be the worst outcome of this conversation. It wouldn’t work anyway. I am trying to make my life simpler, but not at the cost of enjoyment.

What are you trying to make easier?

So, can you eat the same meal every day?

Of course you can. And if your choice is reasonably nutritious, there are probably many benefits to keeping things simple.

You can also start every morning by baking a cake if that’s your thing. I’m not into the idea of telling people what to do.

If you’re weighing your options and trying to achieve some form of healthy breakfast minimalism, here are some ideas for you.

Try to opt in for something nutritious.

I’d also ideally like to make sure you get a decent portion of protein.

Make sure it’s a meal you enjoy.

Aim for something that agrees with your body.

But most importantly, do what you can to be consistent with the kind of person you want to be.

What are your life goals?

If you love cooking and experimenting in the kitchen, amazing. Embrace it. Allowing your creative side in the morning would probably set you up nicely for the day.

If you prefer fasting and have noticed benefits from skipping breakfast? Great. Keep going. Don’t make yourself more sluggish if you have a no-breakfast routine that works for you.

I think consistency is important. I’m not talking about regularity, although that matters too. I mean being consistent with your goals. Optimising health is an important goal, but so are others. Minimising wasted time. Minimising wasted food. Recovering from workouts. Cognitive performance. Enjoyment of different foods and activities. They can all influence your decisions about how to approach breakfast.

I am aware some people’s philosophy is to simply enjoy life and not overthink health decisions. I think that’s reasonable, and I have no problem with that. If a sugar-coated cinnamon bun with a caramel latte for breakfast goes well with your current perspective and life goals, please don’t be influenced by my perspective.

But if you’re aiming to make some small health changes and you are unsatisfied with your current decisions, it’s worth pausing and asking yourself:

What’s the easiest way I could simplify my morning choices?

Putting some effort in now could change how your mornings feel, potentially for the rest of your life.

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When I was a tennis player, we regularly ran to prepare for long tournament matches.

I remember one of those runs quite well.

I was about 12. The group consisted mainly of older and more experienced players. Some were preparing for junior national championships. I was one of the youngest. We ran through the local fields just outside Warsaw, led by our general conditioning coach, one of the kindest people I know.

My life was very busy then. Fitting these workouts between school and tennis practice meant a very tight schedule. I often arrived home from school with only 8 minutes to spare. My parents’ challenge was to feed me a nutritious dinner in this time.

On that day, time was short. My dad prepared a full plate of his signature dish: sliced, fried potatoes. In full Polish fashion I topped it up with a glass of kefir, a fermented milk drink.

You can probably guess where this story is going.

I was in the middle of a field, running with a group of over twenty players. They were keen to keep a good pace. But the only thing I was keen on was finding a toilet. And no toilet was in sight.

I came up with a plan. I quietly ran towards our coach to explain: “I have some pain in my abs. Maybe I pulled something. You can all keep going, and I will slowly make my way back.”

This backfired. What my coach did next was one of the hardest acts of kindness I’ve ever received.

He stopped the whole group for me. He mentioned something about team mindset and announced a 5-minute break for everyone. Instead of a silent escape, I had over twenty pairs of keen eyes staring at me. Lads and lasses, all ready to offer support, but also very keen to keep going.

My “injury” suddenly got better very quickly. We restarted the run and I reassured everyone that I was fine.

Thirty seconds later, I turned around and sprinted away to the local forest without a goodbye.

It is a funny story now. I think about it whenever I think about kindness. My coach was trying to help me, but his kindness made my problem much worse.

When kindness goes the wrong way

I really like analysing examples where good intentions have gone wrong. They show the gap between what the helper was trying to do and what the other person actually needed. A few examples come to mind.

Holding the door

A person holding the door for you when you’re still 20 metres away is doing it to be kind. But now, instead of having a relaxing morning, you have no choice but to perform a little jog. The person meant well, but their kindness has turned into your social obligation and an unintended cardio session.

A drink conundrum

It’s a sunny day. You’re enjoying exploring a local town with your friend. You sit down to take a break, and your friend surprises you with a refreshing beer. They look very pleased. The only problem is, you have proudly managed to take a break from alcohol for 3 months. Do you disappoint your friend, ruin their smile, and then awkwardly watch them consume two beers while you wait for them to finish? Or do you accept the drink and quietly break a promise you made to yourself?

Children’s enjoyment

A famous 1973 study examined children’s enjoyment of drawing. Some children who already enjoyed drawing became less interested after they were offered rewards for doing it. The adult intentions were good, to encourage them. But the original interest was replaced by a chase for reward and approval. A kind attempt to motivate ended up reducing the thing it was trying to encourage.

Water aid

Finding and collecting water is a serious problem in some parts of the world. Building wells to support local people sounds like one of the kindest gifts. And in many cases, I imagine it is. However, many well-intended projects can create unexpected problems because outsiders misunderstand local customs and social routines. I’ve heard stories where building a local well had some negative consequences because long walks to collect water had also been a place where women exchanged information, socialised, and had some privacy from men. Access to clean water clearly matters. But it is a reminder that even obviously helpful ideas can go wrong when we don’t understand the world we are stepping into.

The cobra effect

There is also the famous “cobra effect” story from colonial India. The British government supposedly tried to reduce the cobra population by offering rewards for dead cobras. According to the story, people started breeding cobras for the reward. The historical details are disputed, but as a metaphor, it shows something useful: when we try to help without understanding the system, we can accidentally create the problem we wanted to solve.

Offering advice

We’ve all been in situations where we have the best intentions offering advice to a loved one. We know the solution. We can see it clearly. All we need is to help the person implement it. But all we hear back is: “Stop telling me what to do.” It can feel confusing. We were only trying to help. But from the other person’s perspective, advice may feel like pressure, criticism, or a sign that we are not really listening.

I can see new examples of this problem almost daily. Last week, I encouraged my friend to try an exercise on a pull-up bar that he probably wasn’t ready to do. He fell and hurt himself. Good intentions. Bad outcome.

Have you got a good example of kindness going badly? Share it in the comments.

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Guessing another person’s needs

The examples above show that sometimes what we call kindness is an awkward attempt to match another person’s needs with our own ideas of what is helpful. We assume kindness is about what we are offering, forgetting about the most important thing: the needs of the person we’re helping.

This problem is everywhere.

Governments create financial incentives to support people on low incomes, but sometimes the benefits are captured by landlords, companies, or people who were already better off.

Parents try to give their children a stress-free life, but sometimes this shrinks their comfort zone and makes them more anxious.

Teachers encourage students with overgenerous grades, but sometimes this leaves them unprepared for university or work.

Grandchildren take over their grandparents’ physical tasks, meaning to be helpful, but sometimes this reduces their sense of independence and removes essential exercise from their day.

I could keep going.

When help becomes too helpful

The example I notice most often comes from my work as a therapist and supervisor.

Many novice therapists can feel pressure to be useful quickly. They may reach for techniques, worksheets, exercises, coping strategies, or advice. I have known therapists who come to work with a suitcase full of worksheets and materials they can share with clients.

Tools can be useful sometimes. But I have seen therapists become so focused on finding the right worksheet that it has become a distraction from offering real help.

Most mental health problems are more complex than they first appear. I often find that the more solutions a therapist offers, the more disappointed and misunderstood the client can feel.

This can happen in practical therapies such as CBT. Other approaches, such as Person-Centred Counselling or Method of Levels Therapy (MOL), move in a different direction. They help the person notice, explore, and understand their problems without advice or suggestions.

Practical support is sometimes needed, but even the best technique can become another version of holding the door open from 20 metres away.

Kindness through their eyes

I love the fact that there is so much kindness around us.

We see it, offer it, and receive it.

But I think a lot of kindness could work better with a small pause.

What does this person actually need?
Can I ask them rather than guess?
Can I offer something that fits their world rather than mine?

Kindness should be an intentional attempt to make someone’s life better by their standards, not ours.

Maybe that is the small experiment to try today with someone close to you. Pause before helping. Get curious and try to understand what the situation feels like from their side.

Then offer something that belongs in their world, not just yours.

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A few months ago I tried doing a dopamine detox.

No coffee.
No loud music whilst exercising.
No YouTube.
No social media.
No podcasts while driving.

By day three, I was already noticing some positive changes. It made me feel good. I started thinking: “Maybe I can make it last a full week? Maybe even a month?”

I like a good challenge. This idea got me excited.

And then I paused.

If I am excited... does that mean my dopamine is high?

What kind of dopamine detox am I doing if I am spiking my dopamine by avoiding dopamine?

This felt like a confusing but interesting thought. So I started exploring it.

I met with my close friend for a coffee. Decaf, obviously. I’m on a detox, right?

We started chatting and it felt like an amazing intellectual exercise. He started challenging some of my ideas about wellness activities, including the current detox. My neurons were firing. By the end of the conversation, I was feeling motivated, inspired and curious.

Then I stopped.

My dopamine must be spiking again. Was I failing at my dopamine detox?

Or was it exactly what was meant to happen?

A few weeks later, I started diving a bit deeper into the theory and research behind dopamine. Once I made sense of it, I started looking at dopamine detox from a completely different angle.

I can’t wait to share it with you!

Sorry. Dopamine spike again…

Is Dopamine Bad?

I won’t bore you with a complex definition of neurotransmitter activity and how the reward system works. There’s a high chance you know some of it already.

Scientists explore ideas such as equilibrium, homeostasis, and allostasis. But I’d like to use simple language, to make this as easy as possible.

Our bodies follow a system.

Your body is always trying to regulate itself. It’s aiming for stability, but with constant adjustment.

For example, when a signal is sent that you’re too warm, you start sweating and craving a cold drink. Once your base temperature is restored, you stop sweating.

The same general principle applies to many internal systems, including the ones involving dopamine.

A common view is that dopamine is “high” when we feel good and “low” when we feel bad. But in reality, dopamine is constantly involved in motivation, learning, and how we respond to cues in the environment.

So when people talk about lowering, resetting, or detoxing from dopamine, the idea gets a bit confusing.

Dopamine itself is not a toxin you can flush out of your body, so technically we can’t detox from it. It’s part of the system, and it always will be. It is part of being alive.

Logically, we shouldn’t be detoxing from something that keeps us going. Imagine trying to detox from appetite, sweating, pain, or even your heartbeat.

All of the above, like dopamine, go up and down, depending on the circumstances.

What Actually Happens During a Dopamine Detox?

We’ve already identified that being excited about a detox is a confusing paradox. But this is just the beginning of the contradictions.

When you stop engaging with all the things that normally capture your attention, your usual reward cues disappear. You may very quickly feel bored. That’s when a signal is sent that “something is wrong”.

The usual cravings for TikTok, coffee, and stimulation don’t go away just because you’ve decided to do better this week. If anything, they may get louder.

Your system is aiming to return to its usual level of stimulation. If the usual methods don’t work, the signal intensifies. Mild cravings turn into something hard to resist.

This feels like a contradiction. We hoped that a process of internal reorganisation of priorities happens quickly so that we become more interested in normal daily activities. But instead, the craving for the unwanted activity got worse.

Reorganisation can definitely happen in the long term though.

But the first effect is often the opposite.

What Happens After Some Time?

If you stick to low stimulation activities for long enough, often a few days to a couple of weeks, simple things can start to feel more enjoyable again.

A walk.
A conversation.
A book.
Cooking without a podcast in the background.

This is exactly what you wanted, right?

But here comes the next problem.

If a normal activity starts to feel rewarding again, what happens when a highly stimulating activity becomes available again?

Talking about baking is much less likely to make you eat a slice of cake than having the cake right in front of you when you’re hungry and depleted.

At that point, the pull is much stronger. You may end up destroying the cake before you have time to question your life choices. The same mechanism occurs here. The signal gets stronger.

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What Happens When the Detox Ends?

Let’s assume your willpower helped you to stick to your plans and you managed to resist. Great! But… unless you’re planning to live like a monk for the rest of your life, your dopamine detox will have to end at some point.

Have you seen the video of Michael Pollan talk about his first coffee after a few months off caffeine? He described it as a “psychedelic” experience.

I’ve previously tried a six months of caffeine detox myself which I concluded with a double espresso at 7am. It was probably one of the most joyful, creative, and productive work days I’ve ever experienced.

Basically, when something rewarding has been removed for a while, returning to it can feel even very powerful.

Is that good or bad? Both.

Ordinary activities can feel more enjoyable again. But highly stimulating activities feel like ticking dopamine bombs.

What once felt normal, like morning coffee whilst scrolling TikTok, can suddenly feel like a much bigger hit.

And because, unfortunately, it’s not possible to avoid all stimulating activities, at some point you will be forced to engage in one.

When Stimulation Comes Back

We’ve all heard of the yo-yo effect when it comes to dieting. My understanding is that something similar can happen here.

If you suddenly engage in 2h of scrolling. You will experience a big spike of stimulation. When that happens, your body and mind don’t just sit there calmly saying, “lovely, thank you very much”. The system responds. Once the rewarding activity ends, you may feel a drop. Less motivation. Less interest. More craving. More restlessness.

There are many versions of this happening to all people, and not just those detoxing,

Artists sometimes feel flat after performing on stage.
Holidaymakers experience holiday blues.
Coffee drinkers experience afternoon crash in energy.
In extreme examples of stimulant drug use, people can experience a comedown for a few days.

Things get problematic here. When your mood, motivation, and energy are low, cravings can return. Your attention gets pulled towards everything you have just taken a break from.

And here we are again, back at the beginning.

So… if you end up listening to your cravings, you’re back on the dopamine trip. If you resist, you may be left with low mood, low motivation, and other unpleasant symptoms. If you continue resisting, you may be pulled elsewhere: snacks, work, cleaning, checking emails, researching productivity systems, or reorganising the spice cupboard at 11pm.

When the system becomes unstable, you end up experiencing higher highs and lower lows.

Is There a Better Way to Approach Dopamine Detox?

Our bodies are very good at adapting to new circumstances. We build tolerance to alcohol, caffeine, and medication. We can also get desensitised to emotional situations, for example using exposure therapy. But we need to have a good idea of what we are trying to desensitise ourselves to, and why.

If a classic dopamine detox can create a yo-yo effect, then maybe we need to take a lesson from the typical solution to the yo-yo effect.

We are aiming for sustainable change.

This will be very boring, but...

We need a clear long-term goal that is consistent with our values.

Avoiding all pleasure leads to a very miserable life. There is definitely value in spending more time in nature, away from technology, and away from stimulation. But is that what you want?

We’ve all heard amazing success stories of people who moved to a different country, escaped the 9-5 life, and now spend most of their time walking barefoot in the forests of South America. But… for you to hear these stories, dopamine must have been involved. Otherwise, why would these people share it on Instagram daily?

So before you engage in a dopamine detox, it’s probably worth reflecting on your goals and what you’d like to happen after your challenge is completed. It’s not possible to avoid all stimulating activities. For example, deleting TikTok doesn’t mean you’ll never see short-form engaging videos again. The internet is full of them. Even if you don’t mean to, at some point you may get sucked in. And what will help keep yourself in check if not your goals and values?

It is often recommended you follow the dopamine detox with clear lifestyle changes. This is probably a good idea. For example, after completing the detox, you might delete the TikTok app and never use it again. Instead, you might use a Kindle app to read books.

Before we fully conclude how to best approach a dopamine detox, let’s summarise what we established so far.

What Are the Lessons Here?

We don’t want to remove dopamine, reset the brain, or “balance” a neurotransmitter we don’t fully understand. But the idea of dopamine fasting (instead of dopamine detox) is probably reasonable.

So let’s clarify a few important points.

→ Dopamine is not simply a “feel good” chemical. It is heavily involved in motivation, wanting, learning, and anticipation.

→ You don’t run out of dopamine from too much stimulation.

→ Changes in reward sensitivity don’t magically reverse in a few days.

→ Dopamine detox won’t recalibrate your reward system in a lasting neurological sense just because you avoided pleasure for a weekend.

→ Without a systemic change in your lifestyle, goals, environment, and values, you will probably return to the previous pattern.

→ It can create an unhealthy relationship with pleasurable activities. You get pleasure either way: from engaging or from avoiding. It can become very all-or-nothing.

What Should We Do Instead?

Let’s start by accepting that dopamine-related spikes are perfectly normal parts of human functioning. If they’re here to stay, we need to decide what we would like to be pulled by.

If the given activity is consistent with your identity, values, and vision of the future, the system is happy, and dopamine spikes are helping you achieve your goals.

For example, if you value long-term financial stability, there is nothing wrong with subscribing to a newsletter about passive long-term investing. When it arrives in your inbox, it may trigger interest, anticipation, and motivation. The spike is connected to something meaningful. It helps you learn. It connects to your future goal of a financially secure retirement.

If, however, you are consuming endless content about becoming rich overnight and cryptocurrencies going to the moon, you may be turning away from your actual goal.

Your dopamine system is still involved. But now it is being pulled by the fantasy version of the goal rather than the real one.

This can lead to more dysregulation, more cravings, and potentially impulsive financial decisions that risk your long-term goals.

Let’s try another example.

Imagine you’re spending 2 hours per day watching educational content about productivity.

What’s your goal?

You might need to ask yourself:

→ What’s important about productivity?

→ What’s important about that?

→ What’s important about what’s important about that?

Once you get to the bottom of your conundrum, it becomes easier.

The final answer might be any of the following:

“I want to be someone who changes the world for the better.”
“I want people to like me.”
“I want to impress my parents.”
“I want to increase the output in my business.”

Depending on your answer, you might need to replace the false productivity videos with something that actually brings you closer to your goals.

Once you have made your mind up about what is important to you and how to achieve it, you can use additional tricks. I am usually not the biggest fan of telling people what to do. I’ll briefly mention some ideas, but it’s up to you what you do with it!

One helpful trick is adding friction. Here is some I’ve tried .

• Log out of the app after each use. Re-entering your password can kill the impulse.

• Move the phone charger away from the bedroom. Using your phone at night or in the morning would then require more effort.

• Turn off notifications for most apps.

• Don’t keep your favourite snacks at home.

• Use website blockers with a 1-minute delay.

• Wear trousers without pockets. It forces you to keep your phone in the bag. (I’ve not tried this one yet!)

At the same time, it’s worth reducing friction for your desired activities.

• Have a big water bottle, so keeping hydrated is easy.

• Create a minimalist bedside shelf with only one book on it - the one you’d like to read.

• Or, if you’re looking for desperate measures, sleep in your sports clothes to make the morning run more likely to happen.
  

You can use a short break from stimulation to interrupt a pattern. But interruption is not the same as new learning. You’d need to gradually adapt your approach, making it more sustainable.

The aim is to create a new routine, a new lifestyle, and a change in how you function that won’t rely only on willpower. This takes time. One day, you may look back and realise that the previous activity is totally not on your radar anymore. Things got reorganised over time. And the reorganisation was gradual and peaceful rather than exciting.

Once you do that, ideally you remove the old means of achieving the same goal in an unhealthy way.

→ Unsubscribe from unwanted content
→ Change your YouTube settings.
→ Create a new YouTube account.
→ Remove the app

You might say, “Well, I can just re-subscribe or re-download.” That’s true. But that’s also true during the detox. The point is that you are changing the focus, rather than delaying gratification for later. You are taking more control over your choices.

And when you slip up, it’s okay.

Your mind and body are usually very good at letting you know that something feels off. Guilt, embarrassment, frustration, anger, and even shame can sometimes point towards a conflict between what you’re doing and who you want to be. But they are signals, not punishments.

You don’t want to become a person staring at a wall waiting for enlightenment to arrive. You want to feel joy from doing things that are important to you.

And if you realise that scrolling, drinking, caffeine, overeating, or other dopamine-spiking activities are still genuinely consistent with your long-term goals, then what’s the point of detoxing from them?

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The first time I went to the gym, I could barely walk for a few days. But I went back.

When I was asked to lead the school assembly at 11 years old, my whole body was telling me to hide. But I stayed.

The first time I stepped into cold water my brain shouted at me: “This is irrational.” But I continued.

Each of the above examples are good examples of internal conflict. Our body signals one thing, but we do the opposite. Usually because some underlying value or goal matters more than the short-term discomfort.

Experiencing stress in these situations gave my mind and body a chance to adapt and grow. Gym workouts became more enjoyable and easier to handle, cold became more tolerable, and public speaking became more natural over time.

But what if my mind and body learned the wrong thing from it?

Pain from the gym could mean exercise is dangerous, so never go again. Cold water hurts, so it’s best to stay warm and cosy instead. Public speaking feels uncomfortable, so why risk embarrassment?

Avoiding pain and discomfort makes perfect sense, especially in the short-term.

Staying in Control Now

Your body’s first goal is usually to help you stay in control right now.

It directs your attention and resources towards whatever seems most important in the moment.

One of your goals in life might be to relax in the sun and enjoy yourself. But if you’re being chased by a tiger, your priorities suddenly change. There’s no point enjoying the warmth of the sun or planning your shopping list while trying not to die.

Similarly, during a job interview, your brain is unlikely to focus on your retirement plans or analyse yesterday’s gym workout.

We naturally prioritise what’s directly in front of us. This is often driven by built-in fears and protective responses.

Living organisms constantly try to maintain balance and stability - a process called homeostasis. For example, if you get cold, your body tries to warm you up, until temperature returns to its baseline. The same process occurs at an emotional level.

However, restoring control can lead to very different outcomes. To simplify it, let’s just focus on two options.

Option 1: short-term problem resolution👍🏼 → but… long-term problems. ☹️

Option 2: short-term problem resolution 👍🏼 → and… long-term growth 💪🏼

Despite achieving positive results in front of you, the long-term outcomes can be totally opposite.

Good stress trains us.

Bad stress drains us.

By the end of this article, you should have a better idea of how to optimise stress for long-term growth.

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The Paradox of Short-Term Pain

Imagine explaining the idea of regular gym workouts to someone who has never heard of exercise.

“To improve your health, you’ll repeatedly do activities that hurt your muscles. You’ll be in pain, become sweaty, physically uncomfortable, and out of breath. Stress hormones will increase and your muscles will experience damage. This is good for you.”

It sounds confusing.

But this is exactly why many people avoid stressful activities.

We instinctively avoid discomfort.

Modern life makes this even easier.

• Avoid boredom with scrolling.

• Avoid tiredness with caffeine.

• Avoid hunger with snacks.

• Avoid awkwardness with distraction.

• Avoid effort with comfort

The problem is that avoiding all discomfort can create a much deeper form of conflict underneath. Sometimes discomfort is the price of moving towards the things that matter to us.

Constant attempts at restoring control in the moment is what often gets in the way of our life goals.

Homeostasis Is Cool. But Have You Heard of Hormesis?

The body and mind don’t only aim to restore control in the moment. They also reorganise themselves to handle similar situations better in the future.

Once muscles experience microdamage from training, they repair and grow. The nervous system adapts too. Things that once felt stressful can gradually become manageable, familiar, or even enjoyable.

Hormesis is the idea that manageable amounts of stress can trigger positive adaptations in the body and brain.

All we need to figure out now is: How much stress is “just right”?

Too little stress and we can become deconditioned or stuck. Too much stress and the nervous system can become overwhelmed, pushing us into survival mode. Helpful stress seems to exist somewhere in the middle, where challenge is manageable enough to lead to growth, resilience, and adaptation.

• Too little - no adaptation, stagnation, deconditioning

• Moderate - beneficial adaptation and growth 💪🏼

• Too much - overload, burnout, dysregulation

I’ve experienced this myself the hard way.

A few years ago, there was a period where I pushed my body beyond its limits. I used heavy gym sessions as a break from stressful work, but in reality, both were overloading the same nervous system. I combined intense exercise with caffeine, cold plunges, conferences, new projects, and other forms of stimulation.

All of the above are great and beneficial activities. But only in the right dose, at the right time, and in the right circumstances.

I eventually learned to pay more attention to recovery.

If my body is rested and ready, a difficult workout can feel great. But during more stressful periods, sometimes it’s healthier to slow down.

One of the main signals you’ve pushed your stress too far, is when you notice it gradually leads to worse outcomes. Another signal, is when you notice there is no time to recover before the same system is stressed again. This is true for any domain including physical, emotional, and social.

Psychological Hormesis

Many therapeutic approaches, whether explicitly or not, treat emotional avoidance as part of the problem. It makes sense why. Avoidance usually reduces emotional pain in the moment. But over time, it can weaken your emotional functioning.

Avoiding sadness, for example, can strengthen the belief that sadness itself is dangerous.

Eventually, the emotion becomes stressful.

You become stressed about feeling sad.

We discussed a few examples of going too far with physical stress. But hormesis also applies psychologically. In fact, many forms of therapy rely on it.

Approaches such as gradual exposure therapy or trauma-focused work often involve intentional opening of unpleasant emotions.

That’s why, instead of suppressing emotions, your therapist may help you experience them safely, talk about them, and understand them. You temporarily allow difficult emotions, thoughts, images, or memories into awareness.

The idea is, you experience manageable stress so the same thing stops overwhelming you in the future.

Is This Always True?

As a therapist, I am not the biggest fan of general statements such as “Never avoid emotions” or “Stress is good”.

I believe that avoidance and emotional suppression are perfectly fine emotional tools. I guess what I’d like to happen, is for people to make such choices more consciously, with better awareness of the “full package” of short-term and long-term factors involved in the given decision.

How to Optimise Stress for Growth?

Not all stress builds resilience. Some stress simply overwhelms the system. The body will always try to adapt, but adaptation does not always mean growth.

Alcohol, for example, acts as a stressor and toxin. Over time, the body adapts, meaning tolerance can increase. But that doesn’t mean alcohol is improving wellbeing (see my article about alcohol HERE)

Sleep deprivation is another example. Missing sleep stresses the body and brain. You might temporarily adapt through adrenaline and increased nervous system activation, but chronic sleep deprivation is strongly linked to negative physical and psychological outcomes.

There are many other examples:
pollution, abuse, chronic loneliness, smoking, ultra-processed food, repeated concussions, long-term uncontrollable stress.

There is no point exposing yourself to harmful things unnecessarily. Instead, we should engage in challenges that allow the body and mind not only to recover, but sometimes to grow beyond their previous baseline.

So it’s about choosing the right activities, in optimal quantities, and in the right context.

Sunlight exposure may have hormetic effects in moderation. But excessive exposure increases risk and damage.

Fasting for 14-16 hours may be adaptive for some people, but could result in underfueling for others. Starvation is never good.

Exercise can be one of the best things you do for your health. But intense exercise while already depleted can become another source of overload or burnout.

→ Context matters.

→ Recovery matters.

→ Dose matters.

We’ve all heard the phrase: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes it really is not.

Stress may become useful when the body and mind can still maintain some degree of stability and control. Beyond that point, stress can stop being adaptive and start becoming destabilising.

Growth doesn’t come from avoiding all discomfort.

It also doesn’t come from overwhelming yourself.

Learning to find the optimal middle ground is probably the best way to optimise for physical, emotional, social, and professional growth.

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I was always impressed by people swimming in ice cold water. When I was a kid I first learned about it on the Polish news. My TV back then only had about five channels.

The news reporter was half-smiling when describing a story of an annual winter gathering of cold water enthusiasts.

The footage showed a group of people wearing speedos, warming up on a snow-covered beach. Then happily running towards the sea.

It’s minus 12 degrees [Celsius] today - commented one of them in the post-swim interview - perfect day for a swim.

In Poland they call them “morsy”, meaning walruses.

Walruses as animals are perfectly adapted to cold water as they thrive in the freezing waters of the Arctic. So the name makes total sense.

They showed similar footage every year. Back then, I just treated it as an interesting anecdote.

I would have never thought I’d become one of these crazy cold water enthusiasts 25 years later.

The first cold bath

It started in 2020. I was listening to a podcast about benefits of cold water exposure. Very quickly, I was sold. I was also going through some health problems at the time, looking for alternative health methods.

I turned the knob of my bathtub to the coldest setting. It was winter so tap water felt ice cold. I felt nervous and excited.

It was hard to get in, but I did it.

I fully immersed myself, maybe only my head and knees sticking out, and set a timer.

I noticed a wave of sensations going through my whole body. I couldn’t tell if it was pain, fear, or excitement; or a combination of all of them.

All I know is that staying in required a lot of willpower.

What happened next confused me.

After drying myself I started to feel very itchy. I learned later that this is caused by a rapid rush of blood back to the skin as it warms up.

Apart from needing a couple of hours to fully warm up again, I haven’t experienced any other negative effects. But.. I felt really good.

Within just a few minutes of leaving the bath I started to feel very calm. My mind was sharp. I felt focused and ready to tackle my to-do list.

It felt as if someone changed how my brain regulates dopamine. Now I know that’s more or less what happens. Cold water is one of the most powerful natural ways to increase circulating dopamine levels. And this increase lasts a few hours.

That’s also where I made my first mistake.

When it went wrong

I assumed more cold water meant more benefits. It didn’t.

After my first cold bath experience, I repeated it daily. Every morning. Gradually increasing the time spent in the bath.

After a few days I noticed an itchy but painful sensation in my feet. All my toes were red. It turns out I’d developed chilblains.

The answer was to take a 3 week break from cold water. Lesson learned.

Cold water can be an amazing tool. But… the dose is important. This taught me something important: less is often more.

More coffee doesn’t always mean better focus. More work doesn’t always mean more money. And more exercise doesn’t always mean more muscle.

The same way, more cold water doesn’t always mean more health benefits.

Over the last few years I experimented with different forms of cold water exposure, from home baths and wild water swimming in lakes and the sea, to specialist centres for contrast therapy where cold water and sauna are combined.

Some experiences were incredible. Some were questionable.

If you visited Whitby or Scarborough on a cold, autumnal day and saw a half-naked guy running into the sea - it was possibly me.

I’ve learned a lot in the process.

I do have some more nuanced reflections about cold water, which I will share in later articles. For example, does cold water spike cortisol and stress or does it reduce cortisol and stress?

But for now let’s focus on some basics. I’ve listed over 30 learned lessons, but realised nobody is going to read these. So I’ve condensed them into the 5 most important ones. Here are the top five lessons to get you started.

Safety first
Cold water is generally safe for healthy people, but it’s still important to use common sense. If you have underlying health conditions, especially heart problems, speak to a doctor first. Going too cold too quickly, staying in too long, or immersing your head can lead to a cold shock response, gasp reflex, hypothermia, and even drowning. But the steps below should help you approach your first cold bath safely.

What I learned

1. Breathe calmly

When you enter cold water your first instinct is to gasp for air. There’s nothing wrong with listening to your body and taking a breath when it’s needed. But in this case it’s not always a good idea.

I know you’ve seen Wim Hof’s hyperventilation videos and might want to be the resilience warrior, but… That’s too much for your first time, and might be too much for any time. Completely different mechanisms are targeted here.

Breathe through your nose. Exhale. Then enter the cold water.

After immersing yourself, allow “normal” nasal breathing to happen naturally.

2. Too cold, too long or too much

We are aiming to optimise the benefits of cold water, not push your body to its limits.

I’d say the best rule to follow is:

The colder the water, the shorter the bath.

For your first attempt a short 1 min bath in cold tap water is perfect. Cold shower is also fine.

As you get more experienced, your body will adapt, things will get easier, and then you can experiment with ice or specialised cold plunge centres.

What temperature are we aiming for?

Studies suggest some health benefits can occur at both ranges, from 20-30 seconds in 2-4 degree water [Celsius] to 5 minutes in 20 degree water [Celsius].

If your water is very cold, usually you don’t want to stay longer than 2-3 minutes. Anything beyond that just increases the risk of negative effects. Staying too long pushes your body towards hypothermia.

3. Immerse your whole body up to the neck.

I’ve seen people perform a cold plunge in which their chest, shoulders, both hands and feet are hanging in the air above water level. This instinctively feels like a good idea because you’re able to stay in cold water longer. But effectively, it also means it’s only your bum that’s being cooled down.

Protecting your toes and fingers is probably important with longer cold sessions in the sea or lake. But in a controlled environment, I prefer to opt in for a shorter session while allowing for a full effect.

I usually immerse my full body up to the neck, so only my head sticks out.

The neck and hands contain temperature receptors and other sensors that send important signals to the body. Specialised blood vessels and nerves help the brain sense and regulate the environment. They are part of the feedback loop.

Brown fat activation may also be stimulated when both your upper back and neck are exposed to cold water.

The reason you feel the cold so intensely in your feet and palms is partly because specialised blood vessels, called arteriovenous anastomoses, constrict to prevent heat loss.

Did you know your feet have about 200,000 nerve endings?

Research in this area is still limited, but considering the complexity of the human body and how well different organs and processes work together, I prefer a shorter, full-body immersion. This way, I know the whole body is involved.

4. Be consistent with your goals

Before you jump into cold water, it’s worth clarifying to yourself what your goal is. You’ve heard it’s good for you, but what’s your aim?

Depending on your goal, the variables will be different.

Factors such as time, duration, temperature, frequency, full body vs partial immersion, with sauna vs alone, etc.

You can start with a simple short session to see what happens. But if you are hoping for a very specific benefit, modifying your approach can drastically improve the outcomes.

Are you aiming to improve your focus? Or maybe build resilience and expand your comfort zone? Maybe it’s all about improving your immune system, cold tolerance, sleep, or muscle recovery after a heavy workout? Or perhaps it’s about socialising with people who share similar interests and feeling more connected to nature?

Some of these goals can conflict with each other.

For example, cold water straight after strength training may impact muscle growth. Cold plunge too late in the day might affect your sleep. Expanding your comfort zone also won’t work very well if your first cold plunge traumatises you so much that you never go back.

5. Be smart and selective

When I originally started I set up a daily time and duration for the cold bath and stuck to it regardless. Sometimes it was perfect for me. On other days it was pushing me too much.

When I was too busy, rushed, run down, sleep deprived, tired, or in other ways vulnerable, cold water was becoming problematic.

Why?

Cold water immersion creates a strong stimulus for your sympathetic nervous system activation. It’s the stress response, also known as “fight or flight” response - heartbeat, breathing, sweating. This also goes with neurological changes in dopamine, adrenaline, and cortisol.

This article is too short to go into a detailed exploration of these reactions. Next week’s article will explore exactly this topic - the optimal dose of stress for growth. Subscribe to receive it straight to your inbox.

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But for the sake of this issue, let’s try to simplify it.

I am assuming you’re not thinking of having cold baths to make your life more stressful.

Stress itself is not the enemy. At least not in the right dose.

Stress can be good for us.

Some stress is necessary for adaptation, resilience, and recovery. It can trigger changes that support better functioning, both short-term and long-term.

But there is a hard limit on this.

The limit is driven by your body’s set point for homeostasis.

For example, once your brain is satisfied that sufficient physiological reaction has been produced to handle the given stressor, the loop sends feedback to turn it off.

Then, your body’s parasympathetic nervous system response gets triggered to allow for recovery. Also known as “rest and digest”.

Over time, this can help the system become more efficient at resetting after stress. There are some theories suggesting that spiking your cortisol to a reasonable level in the morning means having a calmer and more relaxed afternoon, exactly because of the feedback loop.

But this takes us to a very important point. If your body is already emotionally pushed, sleep deprived, or in other ways depleted, it’s possible your cortisol levels are already high. Sometimes too high to recover before it’s spiked again.

Chronic stress means your body gets stuck constantly perceiving “threats”.

Over time, it can become desensitised to cortisol. The system responsible for “turning off” the stress response becomes less efficient.

Your body stays in a high-alert state for longer.

Activities such as gentle sauna sessions, meditation, yoga, breathwork, walking, or socialising could potentially be a much better choice than cold plunge.

The research on this is lacking and I don’t think it’s a definitive answer, but that’s how I see it currently.

There is a lot of contradicting information out there. Some research suggests that levels of cortisol are lower after cold exposure. And that regular exposure can lead to a lower cortisol baseline in the long-term. This is very likely true for many people. But remember, most studies use “averages” and “trends” and don’t capture unique responses.

Every nervous system responds differently. It’s important to listen to yourself, your own bodily signals, and gradually get to know your body better.

Final words

I fell in love with cold water over 6 years ago. It has become a part of my life and I regularly crave cold water. I know it’s good for me.

But I’ve learned to take it easy. Over the last couple of years I’ve been going to a local contrast therapy centre. Instead of pushing my body to its limits, I enjoy the gentle benefits of both cold plunge and sauna, using more of one or the other depending on my goals on the given day.

Cold water often makes you feel incredible for a few hours afterwards. Calm, focused, energised. I often sleep like a baby after a contrast therapy session.

Sometimes there’s a crash later in the day Sometimes there isn’t.

But it’s important to say that most of the long-term benefits won’t be visible at first.

You’ll reflect a few months later and realise you function much better, don’t get ill, and handle stress better.

These days, I’m less interested in pushing myself to extremes. I’m more interested in understanding what actually helps me function well.

That lesson applies to far more than just cold water.

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First, destroy sleep

If I wanted to ruin my mental health, I would start by taking away something fundamental for human wellbeing.

Sleep.

Good quality sleep is the foundation for psychological functioning. Perfect place to start.

I would consume a lot of caffeine in the afternoon and follow it with the biggest meal of the day in the evening. The aim is to make my sleep lighter, more fragmented, and less restorative. Before going to bed, I’d watch a film, ideally something triggering, so that my nervous system gets activated. Bright light from the big screen, an alcoholic drink, and ultra-processed snacks could go with it as an added bonus.

I’d make sure I’m not using curtains. Blackout curtains must be avoided at all costs. They block light, but any light from the outside can make sleep lighter or wake me earlier than I need. Perfect.

I would ensure all windows and the bedroom door are closed. This helps reduce air circulation. Less fresh air, worse air quality, and a warmer room than is needed for good sleep. Exactly what we want.

I would roll into my bed and scroll on my phone, ideally aiming to process as much information as possible. I’d choose an app that gives me a new little piece of information or reward every few seconds. This helps to ensure I feel overwhelmed, brain fogged, and depleted.

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It’s time to go to sleep. Let’s leave my phone on the side, fully turned on, so any notifications wake me up throughout the night. Possibly put the TV on in the background, so there’s constant noise interfering with my sleep too.

As I’m drifting off, I would worry about the consequences of my bad sleep. I would analyse how many hours I’ve got left and think about how bad I will feel tomorrow.

Start the day scattered

I should wake up nicely sleep deprived, making it a good start for a dysregulated day.

The morning plan is easy. I must make sure I avoid any possible healthy activity. No exercise, no healthy breakfast, no hydration. Ideally, start by reaching for my phone and scrolling in bed. This helps to make sure I feel scattered before the day has even started.

Dysregulation in other areas is also important. After a longer scrolling session, I’d drag myself to the kitchen to make a coffee. Ideally with sugar and on an empty stomach. Sugar will help dysregulate my energy, especially if I follow it with a carb-heavy or sugar-heavy breakfast. I’d go for something like cereal, flapjack, pastry, jam on toast, or a fruit juice. Let’s make sure I get the biggest sugar spike possible, so that I can crash later.

Avoid sunlight, movement, and food

Now the day has started, I must make sure I don’t go outside. Morning sunlight has too many benefits.

Ideally, stay in one static position, preferably one straining your neck. Hunched back and head-forward posture is perfect for this. Let’s sit this way for a good few hours. Absolutely no exercise, no movement, no stretching, no breathwork, no hydration - they are too good for us.

Procrastinate and multitask. Be reactive

Let’s start staring at my to-do list. This helps feel more anxious and overwhelmed. At this point, it’s good to remind myself how important these tasks are and then totally ignore them. Any form of procrastination would work well here.

To make sure I don’t prioritise long-term goals, I would start by opening my emails. I wouldn’t action any, just flag them for later. So that I know I have a lot to do, but I am failing.

Before getting anything done, let’s make sure the to-do list is visible, the email app is open, the phone is visible on my desk, and all notifications on both devices are switched on. Feeling scattered is the aim. Any noise or notification should grab my attention. We’re aiming for a loss of control.

Let’s start multitasking.

Start working on something very important but get distracted at every opportunity. Be reactive. Check every notification and engage in useless tasks. Reorganising phone home screen icons or checking recent bank transactions are great examples.

Lose sight of your goals and priorities

I would respond to some emails that are not important. Ones that prioritise other people’s needs. If my colleague asks me about something they could easily find on Google, I would make sure I write a great detailed response, better than Google. This way, I waste a lot of time and start feeling like other people’s needs are more important than mine.

This would be a good moment to start targeting self-esteem. When we’re failing at something, it is the best time to ruminate, criticise ourselves, and dwell on how bad our life is. I’d do this until I max out on feeling down and anxious.

I nearly forgot about another important factor.

Emotional suppression.

It plays a role in many mental health difficulties.

Avoid emotions

Let’s avoid emotions as much as possible.

Once I feel anything unpleasant, I would just push it to the back of my head. Every time I feel a little sad, embarrassed, or guilty, I should simply find the first thing in front of me that would block it. Plenty of options here, but I would probably choose between mindless scrolling of funny videos, playing a game, or snacking on sugary food.

The aim is a short-term relief and total ignorance of long-term goals.

Isolate Yourself. Push people away

It is crucial I also avoid any possible real-life interactions with people. No phone calls, no video calls, and definitely not leaving the house.

If, for any reason, I am forced to talk to someone, I would make sure I am masking. It would be important that I put a front on, pretending I am having a great day. This way, I would limit any social support available.

When a difficult topic is raised, I would simply agree with them. Expressing my opinion and standing up for my values would be too good for me. It’s better to feel demoralised.

When talking to other people, I would avoid asking them any questions, to make sure the conversation is one-sided. Sticking to small talk and avoiding curious or engaging topics would mean my social image gets a bit worse over time. Ideally, I should push people away, so gradually my social support network gets smaller. The goal is total social isolation.

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It would be important to also take my family for granted. They are family, so there’s no point checking on them, spending time with them, or showing interest in their life. To make it slightly worse, I could also blame them for it, why not? This will definitely create some conflict, including internal conflict.

Ignore body signals. Stack short-term rewards

My back or neck will start hurting from being in one position. I would ignore these signals.

By this point, I should be feeling agitated, sore, down, and depleted. A decent crash in energy is starting. This is the point where I should avoid any healthy food so my body doesn’t get any fuel. Just wait for the sugar cravings and then destroy a bar of chocolate or a tube of ice cream in one go.

Having some tasty food offers a nice spike in pleasure. This is the perfect moment to stack as many short-term rewards as possible: snacks, alcohol, energy drinks, games, fantasy football, gambling, dating apps, online shopping, checking investments, browsing memes. Options are endless.

Use social media excessively

I’d make sure I upload a story or picture to all social media sites, ideally one that shows a completely different lifestyle than the one I currently have. Make people jealous and aim for a lot of likes and comments. I want people praising me for the amazing things I do, when in reality I am feeling crap. This will definitely make me feel slightly fraudulent and ashamed of myself.

Make sure you use multiple social media sites at once. Then engage in compulsive checking of them in a never ending circle.

We’ve reached a big crash. Mood is very low, no motivation, no energy, anxiety through the roof, negative thoughts taking over.

Take zero ownership. Blame the world

This would be a good moment to start blaming other people. I would make sure I don’t take any ownership of anything. Complain to my manager about the work systems, message my friends complaining how busy I am, and ruminate on how much easier life was for the previous generation.

Blaming external factors and feeling sorry for myself will provide a temporary distraction and guarantee that nothing at all changes in your life. Now you can blame the environment and the system around you whilst staying emotionally unwell. Being stuck in a chronic conflict with yourself is at the core of mental health problems.

Apply the “screw it” mindset

By now, it feels like the day is ruined. It would be great to use this as an excuse and say something like, “Screw it, it’s ruined anyway, I will start good habits from tomorrow.”

This helps to make sure you never start good habits. You can simply say the same thing tomorrow. But for the rest of the day today, you have a good excuse to engage in as many unhealthy activities as you can. Making the false promise that this is the last time allows you to max out on unhealthy activities causing mental health destruction.

Once the day is officially complete, it would be important that you check your work emails after hours, simply to keep track of your accumulating work. It also helps to track any consequences of today’s failures, keeping a consistent stream of anxiety spikes.

Try to fix everything at once, push your limits

Once I reach rock bottom, I would watch YouTube videos about mental health. The best ones would be things like “How to fix depression in 1 minute”. Ideally, I’d watch at least 50 of them, so by the end I don’t remember anything and have no idea what to do.

Once I bump into a video of a motivational speech, I’d totally go with my gut instinct. I feel something positive, so I might as well follow it.

It’s time to sort my life out. Let’s go to the gym!

I am hungry, but there is no time to waste. This will be the perfect time to go. My body is under-fuelled, my energy is low, and my nervous system is absolutely depleted. It’s time to do a workout and totally ignore any body signals. Ideally, aim for heavy weights or a high-intensity session, or even better - try to tackle my personal records. Don’t do any warm-up.

Between the sets, I’d make sure to scroll on my phone. Wear headphones to avoid any social interaction, but quietly stare at other people’s physique. Comparing myself to those who look better than me is perfect here. Ignore those who look worse and never compare yourself to people who never came to the gym; only focus on those who look like machines.

If I notice any signals such as pain, discomfort, or my hands shaking, I’d just push through it. We’re aiming for total depletion. Once I can barely walk, the job is done.

Skip the shower. It helps to avoid any uncomfortable social situations in the changing room. We want to shrink comfort zone. Skipping the shower also means I stay uncomfortable in my body for longer. Perfect.

As I’m leaving the gym, a person smiles at me. This is risky! I felt something positive. The best option here is to lower my gaze, pretend I haven’t noticed, and leave the gym as soon as possible. Ideally, tell myself they were probably laughing at me.

Overindulge on unhealthy food

On my way home, I’d just follow my instincts. I’m starving. Stop by a kebab shop or another fast-food option. I’m hungry and my body is shouting at me to get some fuel. This time, I will listen.

Let’s order a double or triple portion and consume it as fast as possible. It would be good to scroll on my phone at the same time, maybe checking my work emails again. No time for mindful eating. Make sure it’s as ultra-processed as possible, use a lot of sauce, and consume it with a bottle of ‘full-fat’ coke. Don’t forget to buy a dessert, maybe a large milkshake, and then down it in one go.

Get the '“wrong” help

Once I reach home, I should feel absolutely destroyed.
Bloated, sore, down, anxious, confused.

These feelings are unbearable, so let’s try to get some help. I would start a conversation with ChatGPT. The best option here is to give it absolutely no context. Just say something like, “I feel crap. What to do?”

This way, you’ll get the most generic advice possible. Then be very selective when reading these ideas. You want to ignore anything you don’t like and only focus on the things you prefer. If, for any reason, you don’t like any of its suggestions, just say it, until ChatGPT pleases you and tells you exactly what you want to hear. It might take 3-4 prompts, but you’ll get there.

This helps to finish the whole routine by confirming your own beliefs and staying stuck.

Now it’s time for some more alcohol, caffeine, scrolling, avoidance, games, and…

Okay.

Enough.

Pause. Reflect.

Let’s pause here.

I am feeling too creative and starting to feel guilty! I was hoping for this article to be short, but I have too many ideas coming to my mind.

Being unhealthy is so easy. So many options!

This article is a little provocative. My apologies if at times I’ve pushed the paradox too far. Of course, mental health is not only about lifestyle and habits. Biology, stress, trauma, relationships, illness, money, work, support, and many other factors matter too. But our daily patterns still count. They accumulate.

I find that sometimes flipping a topic on its head really helps to gain a new perspective.

Identifying what behaviours direct you to the opposite goal means identifying what takes you away from your goal.

I think it can be refreshing. It helps to wake up.

If you’re aiming to have better mental health, but you’re regularly engaging in activities from the above recipe for a mental health disaster, then you’ve got something to reflect on. I do too. We all do.

Many things affect your mental health.

Each one does it separately, but they all accumulate. Most of these behaviours look small in isolation. That is exactly why they are easy to ignore

Changing everything in one go is probably not a good idea. But...

Why not select your top three priorities, and make them your focus for the next week?

I’ve combined all of the discussed factors below into one long list.

Read through it.
Pick three.
Try modifying them for a week.
Notice what changes.

Let me know how it goes

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• Afternoon caffeine

• Heavy meals late in the evening

• Watching activating content before bed

• Using screens late at night

• Sleeping in a bright room

• Sleeping in a warm, stuffy room

• Scrolling in bed

• Leaving notifications on overnight

• Leaving the TV on in the background

• Worrying yourself to sleep

• Counting your sleep hours

• Starting the day with phone in your hand

• No morning sunlight

• Poor hydration

• Sugary breakfast

• Alcohol

• Relying on caffeine and sugar for energy

• Sitting still for hours

• Avoiding exercise or movement

• Poor posture

• Ignoring body signals

• Avoiding going outside

• Staring at a to-do list without acting

• Starting work from opening emails

• Tidying or flagging tasks instead of doing them

• Keeping notifications switched on

• Keeping your phone visible while working

• Multitasking

• Reacting to every notification

• Procrastinating with small pointless tasks

• Prioritising other people’s needs over your own

• Ruminating, self-criticism, catastrophising

• Suppressing emotions

• Doom scrolling

• Comfort eating

• Avoiding phone calls

• Avoiding real-life interactions

• Pretending to be okay, masking how you feel

• Avoiding vulnerability

• Agreeing with people. Not standing up for your values

• Keeping conversations superficial

• Not asking people questions

• Pushing people away

• Neglecting family and close relationships

• Not taking responsibility or ownership

• Eating quickly and mindlessly

• Scrolling while eating

• Checking work emails after hours

• Choosing quick pleasure over long-term goals

• Stacking short-term rewards

• Compulsive checking or online activity

• Playing games to avoid reality

• Posting online for validation

• Chasing likes and comments

• Presenting a false version of your life online

• Consuming endless self-help content

• Searching for quick fixes

• Taking impulsive actions to get better

• Asking ChatGPT vague questions and expecting useful answers

• Being selective with your reading. Ignoring advice, you don’t like

• Seeking reassurance instead of change

• Exercising when depleted

• Skipping warm-up before a workout

• Ignoring pain or exhaustion

• Comparing your body to others

• Avoiding small positive social moments or opportunities

• Taking the “all or nothing approach”. Saying “the day is ruined, I’ll start tomorrow”

• Trying to change everything at once

• Repeating yesterday’s mistakes today, and today’s mistakes tomorrow.

There is something very special about coffee.
And probably only coffee drinkers can relate.

Everyone has their own reasons for consuming it. Some rely on it to manage sleep deprivation, some simply enjoy the ritual, others seek additional mental stimulation.

I am probably in the latter group. I’ve always found caffeine helps me with concentration. I also enjoy the ritual and believe there is much more to it than popping a magic caffeine pill.

As I am writing these words, I am sat in a cosy café near Leeds docks, sipping my flat white with perfect milk foam art on top. It’s become my weekly journalling and reflection time. The presence of coffee just makes it more special.

It has crossed my mind, that this coffee might not be guilt-free. It’s my second coffee of the day. What are the chances the quality of my sleep will be affected?

It’s only 12 o’clock. You might think it’s a little dramatic to worry about it. And you’re probably right. To be honest, I’m not worried, but simply can’t stop myself from seeing the difference between these thoughts and what science supposedly tells us.

Let’s make sense of this problem from both a scientific and anecdotal point of view.

Hopefully, by the end of this article, you (and I), will have a clearer answer to this dilemma.

What does caffeine actually do?

Once you consume your cup of coffee, it takes about 10-20 minutes to start feeling the first effects. You’ll reach a peak at 30-60 minutes with a boost in energy, mental clarity, and motivation.

Caffeine blocks adenosine, the brain chemical responsible for making you feel sleepy. It also affects things like dopamine and adrenaline. This naturally leads to alertness and focus, but also some side effects like jitteriness and anxiety depending on the dose and context.

How long does the stimulation last?

But where does this additional physical or mental energy come from? What resources are being used? I haven’t consumed any additional calories or provided my body with fuel it can burn.

The truth is that caffeine doesn’t create energy. It just hides tiredness. In other words, we could say you’re borrowing energy from the future. You’re enjoying a couple hours boost at the cost of a crash later in the day.

Your brain doesn’t stop producing adenosine. Caffeine is blocking it, but adenosine is quietly building up in the background. Once caffeine starts to wear off, all the accumulated adenosine starts binding again. That’s the crash.

So in simple words, coffee blocks your tiredness signal. It builds up. Then it all comes through at once.

Enjoying this article? I write about mental and physical health, and I’ll likely write about coffee again. All articles are free - whether you read them here or subscribe to receive future posts straight to your inbox.

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Does the energy crash mean better sleep?

If caffeine borrows energy from the future, then in theory you will be more tired in the evening. It sounds like a perfect scenario. You enjoy the benefits of caffeine to improve your productivity and then drift off into a better sleep later that day.

I wish that was true. Unfortunately, it’s kind of the opposite. Caffeine activates your nervous system. What people experience as feeling “wired” is a result of sympathetic nervous system activation - the same response that’s triggered when you’re in danger. Adrenaline raises, blood pressure goes up, and your heart beats faster. It’s, of course, a much milder version of it.

If you’ve ever gone too far with those lovely espressos, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This nervous system activation stays as long as caffeine is in your system. And unfortunately, caffeine stays in the body for much longer than we think.

The coffee I consumed today will still be in my system tomorrow.

Really?

Well, yes.

On average, it takes 5–7 hours for your body to metabolise half of the caffeine consumed. Then another 5–7 hours to process half of the remaining half, and so on.

My flat white containing approximately 150 mg of caffeine will be combined with the remaining caffeine from my morning coffee. It’s probably easier to show this visually. Let’s assume a caffeine half-life of 6 hours, meaning it takes 6 hours to remove half of the caffeine consumed.

Approximately 15 mg of caffeine will still be present in my body tomorrow at midday, assuming I skip my morning coffee (which I probably won’t). Apparently, it will take over 2 days to reach levels close to zero.

What does this mean for my sleep?

If you’ve had a busy day, you will probably fall asleep regardless. I am also likely going to fall asleep tonight. I have an eventful afternoon planned, providing therapy to a couple more client followed by a long padel match in the late afternoon.

However, if we trust science, we would need to assume that the quality of my sleep will be affected. Sleep is such a complex process, involving different phases and mechanisms of recovery.

We often assume that falling asleep and staying asleep means good sleep. But… Good sleep means restful sleep. Caffeine results in much lighter sleep. It tends to reduce total time spent in deep sleep. It can also negatively impact REM sleep, reduce blood flow to certain parts of the brain, lead to physiological changes such as increases in cortisol, increase the tendency towards worry or negative images, increase urine production, and raise body temperature. Combining these factor with many others I haven’t listed means sleep that is much less restful.

It takes longer to fall asleep, it is harder to stay asleep, and you are less likely to wake up in the morning feeling restored. Meaning you will need more coffee tomorrow.

Should we trust science on this?

It’s very possible you’re reading this and thinking this is all a little excessive. And I totally agree. Science is one story, but your experience is another.

My coffee cup is empty, and unless I order another one, I will need to release my seat for another caffeine enthusiast. But let’s conclude this reflection from a completely different perspective.

What if you could enjoy your coffee and simply accept the full picture of pros and cons?

Every single day we make choices. Some are bad. Some are good. But most are debatable. They depend on the context.

One of my favourite ways of thinking about choices is by contrasting them with my personal goals. If this cup of coffee was truly getting in the way of my life goals, it would be important to rethink it. Decaf coffee also exists.

But what if the goals caffeine helps me achieve are more important than the ones it gets in the way of?

If we take a simple assumption that the quality of my sleep will be 10–20% lower, is that okay for my overall wellbeing this week?

Is there a chance the wellbeing boost I get from today’s caffeine-related activities is greater?

I’ve benefited from helpful reflection space and writing, enjoyable mental stimulation, a sense of productivity, fulfilled curiosity, and even social goals, as I know these reflections will be shared with others. There are even more important things - consistency with my own vision of who I am, what I do, and the role I want to play. And even my deeper thoughts about the more philosophical question of how much life is about the balance between enjoying it and optimising health. There is a lot to it.

I’ve had my first coffee over 15 years ago. I’ve learned to understand how it affects my body and how far I can go with it. There have been times I definitely used too much of it, but also times I took a few months off caffeine with various positive effects.

Whatever perception I had of this flat white today was fully consistent with my vision of the day, the week, and my life in general. It is completely guilt-free. Ordering one more coffee would probably mean a different story and more significant internal conflict. It’s also very possible I will feel differently next week, when my priorities, health, and context are different.

Maybe instead of assuming coffee is bad for sleep, we should check in with our goals and decide whether it’s worth it today.

I’m still fairly new to writing here. Comments, reflections, disagreements, or personal experiences are very welcome.

Do you notice afternoon coffee affecting your sleep? Or are you one of those people who can drink a double espresso before bed with no issues? Feel free to leave a comment.

Something is bothering you.

You can’t stop thinking about it. You feel so conflicted that your whole nervous system seems to be on high alert. Or perhaps something is bothering you, but you don’t even know exactly what the problem is.

You book a therapy session, ready to tackle it. You choose a therapist with good qualifications.

Then the disappointment arrives.

They make you complete a set of questionnaires. Then they ask about alcohol, medication, drugs, childhood, and many other things, but not a single question about the thing that is bothering you most. At the end, they give you a worksheet to complete. You leave feeling demoralised, lost, and dismissed.

Experiences like this are more common than they should be.

Method of Levels therapy (MOL) offers a different starting point. It helps you focus on the problem that is most alive in your mind right now, while also making space for what may sit underneath it.

No worksheets.

No homework.

No pressure to learn a set of techniques.

So what actually happens during a Method of Levels therapy session?

MOL therapy is driven by your attention. The itchy thought, the intrusive image, the conflicting ideas, the intense emotion. Whatever is currently bothering you, that is where you will start.

It sounds almost too simple. You come to therapy with a problem, and the therapist helps you explore that problem. But there is a lot more going on under the surface, which I will get to.

Every session of MOL therapy starts in a very similar way. The therapist will open with something like:

What is bothering you at the moment?

Or simply:

What would you like to talk about today?

Then your job is to start exploring the problem from whatever angle feels right. Images, thoughts, feelings, memories, half-formed ideas, it is all valid. If you don’t know what your problem is, that is okay too. Your therapist will help you find a starting point.

You do not need to arrive prepared with a detailed analysis. All you need is a vague sense of what is bothering you, and willingness to talk about it.

Enjoying this article? I write about mental and physical health, often from a slightly different angle. All articles are free, whether you read them here or subscribe to receive future posts straight to your inbox.

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What happens in MOL once you start talking?

After the opening question, the direction of the session is guided by your attention. Not your therapist’s agenda. Yours.

Our minds naturally jump between thoughts, feelings, and ideas. That is fine. The therapist is trained to understand how human awareness works, what role attention plays in psychological difficulty, and how to help the process of change.

The underlying theory behind MOL is solid, with roots going back to the 1960s, and the clinical evidence has been building steadily.

As you explore the problem, your therapist will be with you. Listening, staying curious, asking questions. Every question is designed to help you understand your problem better and to gently move things forward.

They will not interrupt you to share their opinion.

They will not offer advice or express deep sympathy for your story.

Those things can feel supportive in the moment, but they can also pull you out of the flow. When you are in the middle of exploring something important, the last thing you need is someone redirecting you.

Sometimes the therapist will simply nod. Sometimes they will ask a small question to help you go further. But sometimes they will interrupt you mid-sentence. Not to stop your flow, but to catch something important before it disappears.

What is your MOL therapist actually doing?

On the surface it can look like a very simple job. Sit, listen, ask the occasional question. But internally, the therapist is doing something quite specific.

While staying curious about the problem, they are watching for your background thoughts.

What does that mean?

As you talk, your mind is doing two things at once. There is the story you are telling out loud, and then there is a background layer of other thoughts, images, and feelings. These background thoughts rarely make it into the conversation. They might be things you feel embarrassed about, things that are painful, or things you have not quite put into words yet.

In everyday life, we tend to keep these hidden. If a friend asks you why you smiled while talking about something serious, most of the time you would brush it off or change the subject.

But in MOL, these are exactly the thoughts worth exploring.

The therapist is watching your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and any shifts in how you speak. They are not analysing you. They are simply paying close attention, ready to catch the moments when a background thought surfaces.

Then they ask about it. Directly.

“What made you pause just then?”

“What crossed your mind when you corrected yourself?”

“What made you apologise just now?”

These questions might feel random at first. But there is nothing random about why they are asked. They help you explore your problem from angles you would never have reached on your own.

Has a therapist ever asked you something that completely shifted how you saw your own problem? I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment!

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Why is it called Method of Levels?

When you first start talking, you are at the surface of the problem. But as the session develops, you move between different levels of understanding. Some questions will take you deeper, towards the bigger picture, your long-term goals, your values, and what kind of person you want to be. Other questions will bring you closer to the surface, towards the raw sensations, fleeting images, emotions in the body.

The therapist is helping you move through these levels, keeping your awareness on the areas most likely to create real change.

How does change actually happen?

Can simply talking be enough to resolve something that has been bothering you for years?

Yes.

And here is why.

If self-help techniques were the answer, you would probably have found something useful already. Books, podcasts, YouTube, ChatGPT, or advice from friends. You have likely tried some of it. Answers to any practical questions are available within a few clicks. What happens in MOL is different.

The research behind MOL is based on a theory called Perceptual Control Theory (PCT).

I know it sounds scary, but stay with me.

In simple terms, it suggests that as humans we are constantly trying to control what we perceive - not the world itself, but our perception of it.

Sometimes consciously, and sometimes automatically. This happens at many different levels. For example we sweat to cool down when feeling too hot, we adjust body posture when we’re in pain, we speak differently when our social image is at risk, we leave jobs when we realise they are getting in the way of our values.

When something looks different to how we want it to be, we try to change it. Simple as that.

Where it gets more interesting is when those attempts at making a change stop working. The gap between how things are and how we want them to be stays open, and that is when emotions and sensations tend to intensify.

Psychological distress often arises when we are stuck in a conflict between two important goals or values that feel incompatible.

Wanting to be successful at work but also wanting to be present for your family.

Wanting to be honest but not wanting to hurt someone you love.

These conflicts, when they stay unresolved, tend to generate the kind of persistent, exhausting symptoms that bring people to therapy in the first place.

The MOL therapist is helping you bring those conflicts into awareness and explore them at a deeper level. Not to solve them for you, but to help your mind find its own way through.

The process of change, according to the science, is not linear. It is often unpredictable. You have probably experienced this yourself. You spend weeks cringing over something embarrassing you said. Then one day you realise you have completely moved on. You don’t know exactly when it happened. Something shifted, and the problem just stopped bothering you.

That shift in perception is what MOL is aiming for.

When can you expect to feel better?

Sometimes change happens quite quickly within the session itself. You reach a new perspective and the session ends on that thought. You leave needing some time to sit with it.

Other times, not much seems to happen during the session. But then you turn up for your next appointment and something has shifted. Your perspective is different. The problem looks smaller, or less tangled. This is because a lot of the change happens in the background, between sessions, as your mind continues to process and reorganise.

The problem does not get resolved because your therapist figures out what is wrong with you. It tends to resolve in a much more natural way. You reach a conclusion yourself. Your priorities quietly update. Gradually, things feel more in control.

How many sessions of MOL therapy do you need?

It is common to feel better just after one session. Sometimes you need a few sessions. In some cases, a long-term therapy with additional time between the sessions for life events or changes is what you need.

But don’t worry. You are never trapped into a rigid therapy programme.

In MOL, you are in control of the frequency and duration of your therapy. There is no set number of sessions. You decide when to come back and when to stop. Some people attend weekly. Others come once a month. Some take a break and return when they need to.

Research shows that giving people control over the process of therapy produces better results.

A final thought

If your previous experiences of therapy have left you feeling like a passive recipient of someone else’s plan for your mental health, MOL might feel very refreshing.

You are in the driving seat.

The therapist is there to help you explore, not to direct you somewhere they have already decided you need to go.

The problems that bring people to therapy are always unique. Your therapist doesn't know the full complexity of what matters to you, and they are not pretending to. But they do know how to help you find it yourself.

That, in a nutshell, is Method of Levels.

Whether you’re a client planning to attend an MOL therapy session soon, or you’re a therapist hoping to learn about it, I would love to hear from you.

If you have questions about MOL or want to share your own experience, share them in the comments below.

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A couple of years ago my neighbour was turning 80. I knocked on his door, ready to say happy birthday over the doorstep.

Before I could blink, I was already sat on his sofa with a glass of red wine in my hand, my girlfriend by my side, and my neighbour and his wife smiling from the sofa opposite.

The room had that old-school, slightly simplistic décor that somehow made the whole thing feel even better. Usually when he offers me wine, I say no. I’m often on my way to work, about to drive, or planning a gym session. But this time was different. I was ready to enjoy myself.

He lifted the bottle, smiled, and said, “I have been drinking wine for over 60 years, and this one is my favourite.”

I looked at his wife. She smiled too and said, “He loves his jammy red.”

Watching the two of them in their 80s, full of energy and warmth, I did have the thought: maybe wine really has done something for them.

That is exactly why headlines about wine being healthy are so attractive. Many people love it. And those who do often live quite good lives.

The new study from Italy sounds promising at first. Large sample size. Over 22,000 participants. Thirty-six blood biomarkers. Multiple authors. A detailed analysis.

And then the exciting bit, the conclusions: men drinking a moderate amount of wine appeared “biologically younger” than abstainers. If you take their model literally, the magic number was around 172 mL of wine per day, which is approximately a standard medium glass of wine. That meant the difference of 0.34 to 0.39 years, depending on the analysis. In other words, about 4 to 5 months younger on paper, or, if we’re being a bit silly with the maths, around 0.7% younger.

If you enjoy wine, it sounds like a double win. You can drink it every day and call it healthy. You can easily imagine people treating that as a little longevity hack. One avocado a day, one apple a day, and one glass of wine to keep yourself 0.7% younger on paper.

Not so fast.

Before you start treating your wine rack like a health intervention, let’s take a step back.

Before trusting the headline, it’s worth asking a few boring but important questions. Does the study really support the conclusion people are taking from it? How much can it actually tell us? Are there any obvious reasons to be cautious about the conclusion?

One obvious question is whether there is any conflict of interest. On that point, the answer seems reassuring enough: the paper doesn’t declare wine-industry funding, and the corrected funding statement points to the Italian Ministry of Health, with no conflicts of interest declared by the authors.

So the real issue here is unlikely to be some dramatic conspiracy. It is something more ordinary.

Correlation Can Make Us Do Very Silly Things

Correlation does not equal causation. If you have ever read anything about statistics, you’ve probably heard that sentence before. It’s repeated so often that it can start to sound boring.

So let’s make it less boring.

Would you make life changes if you saw any of the below headlines?

If correlation meant causation, we’d have to make very silly changes. Ban cold drinks, blame firefighters for fire deaths, totally prohibit umbrellas, and intentionally wear bigger shoes.

The reason these correlations don’t work is that the relationship between two things can often be explained in another way. Children who are learning to read have smaller feet, so naturally those with bigger shoe sizes, i.e. adults, tend to read better. Cold drinks and drowning deaths are both driven by hot weather. Umbrellas and slipping accidents are both driven by rain. Firefighters don’t kill people - they try to save them. The more people need saving, the more firefighters arrive to help.

The same shift in perspective can be applied to the wine study.

The finding was linked to wine specifically, not alcohol intake overall. That makes it look as though there is something uniquely beneficial about wine. But can you think of reasons why someone who drinks small amounts of wine might appear healthier in a study than someone who doesn’t drink?

Why moderate wine drinkers may look healthier

So what might characterise people who drink only one glass of wine?

They sound a bit like people who say things like “just a small glass with dinner” and actually mean it. They can probably also leave half a packet of biscuits in the cupboard and forget about it. That alone makes them a suspiciously unusual group. More seriously, they may differ from other groups in all sorts of ways that the study cannot fully capture.

It may simply be that people who drink small amounts of wine differ in other important ways as well. They may be more likely to drink with meals, drink slowly, socialise differently, value rituals, or live lives that are healthier in all sorts of small ways.

And then there is the comparison group: the abstainers.

Why are they abstaining?

Again, I’m speculating here. Some may avoid alcohol because they are already unwell, because of medication, because of mental health problems, or because of religion, culture, or personal preference. Others may have reasons a study cannot easily capture.

The point is that “non-drinkers” are not necessarily a clean, healthy baseline.

For a correlational study to allow for a strong conclusion, we’d need to eliminate, or in study terms, control for, all the other important factors that might explain the difference. The study did try. It considered around 20 factors, including age, sex, diet, education, BMI, physical activity, smoking, and some health conditions. That is not nothing.

But it’s still not enough.

Because there are many things they did not, and realistically could not, fully control for: wealth, access to healthcare, reasons for abstinence, drinking history, sleep, stress, mental health, social functioning, medication, occupation, and the wider context in which people drink.

The study simply couldn’t adjust for the full context of people’s lives.

What if the “winning” group in the study - the group that may already differ in resources, habits, or social context - had chosen not to drink wine at all? Would they suddenly become less healthy purely because the wine disappeared? Or might they still have looked relatively healthy anyway?

At this point you may be fed up with my scepticism. Fair enough. Before I change the tone and try to be more optimistic, let me give you one more reason why this headline still isn’t very convincing.

The resveratrol explanation falls apart quickly

The authors suggest that wine drinkers are healthier because of compounds such as polyphenols. Wine isn’t just alcohol. It also contains plant compounds that people like to romanticise. Resveratrol is the compound getting most of the attention here.

A glass of red wine contains only a tiny amount of resveratrol - around 0.4 mg in 150 mL, although estimates vary. Human resveratrol studies have used doses in the tens or hundreds of milligrams per day, and even then the evidence is mixed. There is currently no conclusive clinical evidence for broad health benefits of resveratrol in humans. See this 2024 systematic review: LINK

So if red wine is healthy because of resveratrol, this is where the explanation becomes less convincing. A normal glass of wine simply does not deliver enough of it to make a meaningful health difference. What it does deliver, more meaningfully, is alcohol.

Quick maths suggests that to get into the kind of range used in human resveratrol trials, you would need somewhere between tens and hundreds of glasses of wine per day, depending on the estimate used. That is obviously not a plausible health strategy.

So where does that leave us?

Probably somewhere a bit less dramatic than the headlines.

After reading all of this, you might be less likely to believe that alcohol is good for you. That seems sensible. But does that mean you should never enjoy a glass of wine?

Not necessarily.

Wine, ritual, and why people still enjoy it

I’m not planning to make a health argument for alcohol. I don’t think alcohol is necessary for a good life. But I do think it is often tied to moments that are meaningful, social, warm, funny, and memorable.

That evening with my neighbour was a good example. We sat there drinking wine, laughing, and listening to his stories from the past. I remember quietly chuckling to myself as a few memories of him crossed my mind, especially the one of him showing me a set of air push-ups on his crutches a few weeks after knee surgery.

The wine tasted great. Knowing that more than 60 years of wine drinking had led him to call this bottle his favourite made it feel very special. I left that evening regretting that I had not looked properly at the label.

It took some time, but eventually I found the name of the wine. To my surprise, it was sold in most shops, inexpensive, and easy to get. I bought a few bottles and placed them on my wine rack for a special occasion, or maybe as a gift for someone who likes wine.

A few weeks later I opened one with dinner, expecting to recreate the magic.

It tasted good.

But it was missing the surroundings, company, and ritual.

That, I think, is the point.

A glass of wine can be enjoyable because it often comes with people, rituals, memories, meals, atmosphere, and the story attached to it.

The study’s headlines are a bit misleading, but if a glass of red wine here and there is your special thing, I don’t think you need to panic either. Life is not lived by stripping away every imperfect thing. Some things are enjoyable because they sit in that human space between health, risk, ritual, pleasure, and meaning.

If abstinence is your thing, or you are perfectly happy swapping wine for a cup of herbal tea, great. Keep going that way.

But if a glass of jammy red now and then is one of your small pleasures, that is fine too. It’s not all about optimisation. Life is also there to be enjoyed.

Just maybe do not pretend you are doing it for longevity.

Study discussed: Esposito, S. et al. (2026). Moderate wine consumption, defined by the Mediterranean Diet, is associated with delayed biological aging in men from the Moli-sani Study. International Journal of Public Health, 71. LINK

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