No AI was used to write this article.
When studying for my master’s degree I got a job at a local supermarket which happened to be right next door to Manchester City’s football stadium.
A colleague was giving me a tour of the store, both of us in green uniforms. As we approached the biscuits aisle, we noticed a lad who seemed to be very efficient at his job. What a pace! I was impressed. But my colleague warned me:
“Don’t talk to this guy, he’s an idiot.”
“How come?” I asked.
“He supports Manchester City,” he grumbled.
I stayed silent for a bit trying to process the situation. Was he really ready to write someone off purely because of the football club preference?
Putting people in boxes like this feels a little extreme, yet it’s very common. One “wrong” characteristic, political view, religion, grooming style, accent, background, job, idea or opinion and you very quickly get cancelled in someone’s head.
In this article, I’ll try to make sense of why we box people, what’s helpful about it, when it becomes problematic, and what to do instead.
Putting people in boxes
As my colleague was telling me about his anger towards the biscuit aisle guy, I couldn’t help but question him: “Has he done something to upset you? He seems like a nice guy?”
This is where I went wrong! Hearing me defend the Manchester City fan activated his inner detective Columbo:
“So, who do you support then?” he asked, looking right into my eyes.
The words I used to answer his question were the same words that could probably get me killed in some parts of Poland, but were the safest option here:
“Legia Warsaw,” I said. (If you’re a Polish hooligan please forgive me, I don’t really support any football clubs!)
“Good lad,” he responded.
And as if nothing happened, we carried on with the tour.
This situation is an example of what I call social filtering. In this instance, my colleague’s filter was: If the person supports Manchester City, I should never accept them into my circle.
We engage in social filtering all the time. We also see other people do it too. It’s become normalised and many such filters sound reasonable:
He drinks heavily - I don’t want to date an alcoholic.
She is rude - I don’t want to work for her.
He is selfish - I shouldn’t be friends with him.
Others can be questionable.
I hate him - he supports XYZ political party.
I avoid her when I can - her dad is a racist.
She’s not my cup of tea - she wears branded clothes.
He’s on benefits - he must be lazy.
Why do we apply social filters?
The goal behind social filtering seems obvious. It helps us identify who we can trust and who we can get closer to. This is relevant to professional life, friendships, family, dating, and any type of social interaction.
It also makes sense from a survival point of view. For our ancestors, being able to identify potential threats could be a matter of life and death. We still use filters today to identify people who may pose some sort of threat to us. Not just a physical threat, but any sort of threat e.g. emotional, financial, social, etc.
If you’ve had 17 bad experiences with a certain type of person, behaviour or situation, it makes sense that your mind may start labelling it as a “threat”. Filtering out people connected to it can, in theory, help prevent the bad scenario from happening again. This process can work extremely well to the point that multiple positive aspects get crossed out purely because of one negative.
If you’re dating a lovely person but discover a few weeks later that they have cheated on all their previous partners, your perception suddenly changes. If you have a filter of ‘I don’t date cheaters’, you will probably end the relationship regardless of the amazing memories you created before.
When social filtering goes too far
Social filtering is very important, but what if there is a limit to how helpful it is? What if at some point, it starts contributing to the same problems we are trying to prevent?
The same person you crossed out in your head because they support a political party you strongly disagree with could potentially have all the other characteristics you are seeking in a friendship. You never give them a chance.
A person who has experienced physical abuse may automatically try to avoid future partners who are violent too. This is helpful, unless the filter becomes so broad that it extends well beyond aggressive behaviour. Yes, it helps to avoid abusive people. But it could also accidentally filter out those who are not violent, but have a posture, tone of voice, body language, habit or other characteristic that has become associated with danger.
Both examples above and the one from the supermarket show a similar problem. If you box people too harshly, you may miss out because you never find out what could have been.
When social filtering goes too far, it often starts contributing to the same problem it was trying to prevent in the first place.
You wanted to guarantee your future happiness by securing a dream partner and a circle of trusted friends. But if you filter people out, look down at them and reject every candidate for a future partner, you may end up with a lonely single life and a very small circle of friends. Your attempt to create a happy life gets in the way of a happy life.
Filtering vs judging
We already established that social filtering can be useful when it helps us achieve our social goals. But sometimes it goes too far. I think this happens because the gentle nudge to be careful turns into “full-fat” bias or judgement.
Something that was meant to help and protect us can turn us judgemental, elitist and overly selective. Looking down at other people this way can feel somewhat good. It feels productive and often makes us feel better about ourselves, at least in the moment.
She wears branded clothes. She must be snobby.
→ I don’t, so I am modest.He supports X club. He must be an idiot.
→ I support Y club, so I am better than him.She voted for X party. She must be uneducated.
→ I voted for Y party, so I am sophisticated.
Is there more to a person?
There is much more to a person than the football club or political party they support. I think having a wider perception of each person in front of us is important. Yes, the characteristic you dislike occupies the front of your mind, but is there much more to that person?
We often believe that one belief is superior to the other. And in many cases we may be right. If you believe the Earth is round, the evidence is on your side. But is it your job to correct flat-Earthers? Is it your job to look down on them? Or would it be helpful to develop some curiosity and recognise that believing in conspiracy theories may be associated with a much wider pattern of the person’s history and circumstances. I’m not suggesting you should agree with them. A friendly conversation where ideas are exchanged is already a good start.
This was quite a silly example, but it applies in many other areas.
What makes a person who makes one political choice better than a person who makes another? What makes someone from one social group, class, language, religion, race or sexual orientation better than someone from another? What makes someone’s clothes, hobby, football club, profession or opinion a measure of their value?
Many of these things are very subjective. Some beliefs can, of course, be right or wrong. But one characteristic rarely tells you everything about the person.
Expanding horizons
As a therapist I work with people from many different backgrounds, cultures, classes, values, and personalities. One skill I find very valuable is the ability to accept that people are different and each person has a right to their views and opinions. I was always naturally curious about people, so this helped, but every time a new client enters the room, I try to be as open-minded as possible.
When therapy drifts into an “I am the expert” style unintentionally, this can give the message that the therapist’s opinion is worth more than the client’s. Giving advice can work in some circumstances. But when the advice is influenced by the therapist’s perception of the world, things can go astray very quickly. This is because every human is unique and their various characteristics and preferences are a result of a complex interaction of different goals, preferences, memories, visions and perceptions. The whole thing is very hard to capture!
Think about your own views or preferences. Where do they come from? Were they always the same? How did they change?
If it’s hard to picture your own internal system, then why are you ready to make a judgement of someone else’s value purely based on one piece of information about them.
Talking to people with different views
Speaking to someone who has the exact same views as you can feel quite comforting. But isn’t that a little boring too? You are stuck in the same circle and your views are never challenged.
I think that some of the most exciting conversations are with people who have different views to ours. Having that kind of conversation requires certain skills, but it can be quite exciting. Instead of taking their opposite views as an insult or attack you start developing skills such as active listening, curiosity, and most importantly, being able to see the person beyond that one characteristic.
Such skills can be very valuable, and each new conversation can become an opportunity for self-development.
It’s also worth noting that if a person’s unusual views or way of being pushes your buttons, it’s very likely it’s also pushing many other people’s buttons. Is there a chance that person rarely gets the opportunity to speak about their views? You may be the first person in many weeks who has shown this person genuine curiosity and given them space to talk about their beliefs without immediately writing them off.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting you should tolerate someone being rude, racist or homophobic and welcome it with a smile. It’s totally fine to filter out people who are bad for you. Sometimes this may mean agreeing to disagree. Sometimes, you may set a boundary so firm that there is no space for debate. But at other times you can learn something new from each other.
Final words
If someone’s views are totally different to yours, it is not always your life’s mission to do something about it. You can simply cross them out in your head, and that’s okay. You can also give them a chance. Being curious about another person’s world can create an opportunity.
There is no right or wrong here. But it’s worth reflecting whether your own standards make you miss out on too many social opportunities and get in the way of your important life goals.
Sometimes, the person you’re about to write off may be worth getting to know.
Thank you for spending a few minutes here. I’m glad you’re here :)
I’m back in the UK now, but here’s a selfie from my holiday!
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It’s easy to make a quick judgment about someone based on one thing. We probably miss out on getting to know some good people that way.